Sig's Blog

and the band played on...

2011-04-02T03:37:00.001-07:00

Just to be clear, this is not my car. I wasn't driving. This happened to a buddy of mine a few months back. If you're curious this was on 270 near the Easton mall in Columbus Ohio. This event occurred on one of those ridiculously cold December days in 2010. I've titled the post as I have as a tribute to the Titanic sinking. I imagine my friend and his family watching their car sink is very similar to the Titanic survivors watching the boat diuappear into the inky depths... Just like the titanic sinking notice below how the lights have gone out. Now it's going good! Looks like this fire is getting hot. Better get back!

New Movie Policy

2010-04-17T19:02:00.001-07:00

I have had it. Movies take too long. All things in this life have a natural run time. It is wrong for movie makers to feel that they have the right to abuse their audience. Perhaps a new rating system is in order to let studios know just how much pain they cause the movie going public. At the very least I am going to engage in my own policy.

A movie is meant to last 90 minutes. Golf lasts 18 holes. Baseball is 9 innings. Sex takes 14.2 seconds (if you think about baseball or golf, less otherwise). All of these limits have been proven over time. We (as a people) have discovered that the limit to sit quietly in a darkened theater is 90 minutes. Even airlines are now capped by federal law at 180 minutes (3 hours for readers in southern Ohio).

It should be considered abuse for a movie to charge you $10 and then hold you hostage for more than 100 minutes. Especially when the movie is filled with the long, boring, self indulgent scenes of Daniel Day Lewis agonizing over his oil riches or Sean Penn agonizing over the plight of the children in Bagdad. Literally this kind of non-story telling crap can expand 90 minutes of content to two and a half hours. This is abuse!

I would like the MPAA to issue new rating level beyond G, PG, PG-13, R, and X. I propose TDL (Too Damn Long) for any movie with a runtime longer than 100 minutes. The theatres could enforce a ‘use the restroom now’ rule prior to customers entering the theatre. Theatre’s could re-instate intermission at the 60 and or 90 minute mark and force every patron to use the restroom and walk by the concession stand at that time.

Seriously, I will not be held prisoner in a movie theatre by James Cameron, George Lucas, or even (gasp!) Peter Jackson. I have committed no crime. I won’t even watch bootlegged copies of films. Yet these film makers feel compelled to test my bladder limits with every new film. I will not tolerate this abuse of my goodwill, time, and money.

I got nuthin…

2010-04-08T18:35:00.001-07:00

Recently at work we’ve been working through the Seven Defects of Broken People book. Part of our studies is take home assignments. The most recent (and last) assignment is to ‘sharpen the saw’. Since I started this blog to practice writing I have decided to write in this space everyday for one week in order to sharpen my saw. Last night was entry number one for this task and this is entry number two. Here’s the trouble, I’m out of ideas.

I looked at the newspapers for ideas. I read the Seattle Times, the Columbus Dispatch and even the normally reliable Dayton Daily News had nothing that intrigued me. Usually the Dayton paper is rife with stories of hillbillies getting arrested or inner city thugs making poor decisions (“my baby was cold, so I put her in the microwave…”). But nothing caught my eye.

I had hoped after watching the TV news earlier today and they reported that “the police had shot a man with a cleaver” that there would be something. I mean who knew you could shoot a man with a cleaver? I wouldn’t even know how to tell if it were loaded. This has the makings of a seriously good story. Turns out the police shot a man wielding a cleaver. What a disappointment.

Finally I broke down and asked the house dragon. She suggested I write about our recent trip to Nashville and Memphis. She also suggested that I capture the abject fear we both share about possibility of the child moving back home. Neither topic is really bad, but I don’t have my thoughts organized about either, so maybe tomorrow.

Well would you look at that! I have a five paragraph essay about nothing. Paragraph one is the topic. Paragraphs two through four flesh out the idea introduced in paragraph one. Paragraph five is the conclusion. Here we are. I have written a five paragraph essay about not having a topic for a five paragraph essay. I freakin’ rock!

The Abortion Misdirection

2010-04-07T18:04:00.001-07:00

Why are we making such a big deal out of the abortion rider in the healthcare bill? I think I know.

I believe that abortion is a necessary evil in our society. Liberal politics likes to talk about a right to privacy. Conservatives like to talk about a right to life. Neither position really seems to account for the pragmatic view of our advanced society. Why is this issue a flash point issue for the healthcare debacle?

People still have recreational sex, unprotected sex, and people still have sex who can’t afford a child. I would prefer that people that find themselves with a child because of poor decisions they themselves make and want out, take a look at adoption. But I also think that abortion is a better choice than the dumpster baby option. Abortion is necessary. So be it.

Liberals believe that abortion is the woman’s choice only. In fact, abortions are a badge of honor in certain lower class societies in these United States. Abortions are guaranteed by the federal government (thanks to Roe v Wade) on the basis of a ‘right to privacy’ in the constitution. Conservatives can’t seem to find that passage. So be it.

Conservatives conversely believe that conception is sacred. If a woman gets pregnant the child is instantly accorded personhood status. So evacuating the fetus is murder. This is just a little too black and white even for me. There are unplanned pregnancies, pregnancies as a result of unwanted sex (rape), fetus that are deformed or defective, fetus’ that put the mother’s life at risk. There are real reasons to choose against the unborn and kill it. So be it.

Basically, if you fall on one side of this issue or the other there is no middle ground. There is no compromise where both sides will be appeased. So why are the Democrats pushing so hard to add this hot button to the healthcare bill? Because federally funding abortion by choice sets a precedent for federal involvement in reproduction. Unlike the Chinese who can simply enforce any rules they desire (can you say totalitarian regime?), in the United States we need to turn the temperature up slowly so the frogs don’t jump out of the pot. What the Democrats believe is that we can’t make good decisions without them. Adding abortion to the healthcare bill is the first step to Obama letting us know just how many children we are allowed to have. On the basis of keeping healthcare costs down the government will be able force us to register for children and abort the unregistered offspring. If I were Nancy Pelosi, I would not grant a child license to anyone who voted republican.

Obama-care: A fairy tale

2009-09-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

This is a true story. A friend of mine with is a serious runner. He has not been a runner his whole life. In fact as I understand things, he was a big fat bastard until 3 years ago, when he started taking care of himself and running.

Anyway, he is a runner now. He ran the Cincy marathon and is looking forward to the Columbus Marathon coming up in a few weeks. In fact he is looking forward to running a half marathon in Dayton tomorrow morning. Not so fast.

Here’s the main conflict in this story: He started feeling a pain in his calf about a week ago. I suggested he had an injury. Unfortunately I was right. His doctor diagnosed (pre MRI, ultrasound, other tests) that he had a stress injury, fracture, or worst of all a blood clot! Today he was tested for these things, as of noon the doctors had ruled out blood clot (thank goodness) and were looking at the other options.

Every test was expedited. Every option explored. Why? My friend really wants to run. The medical team is working hard and fast to treat my friend. Because it is what he desires. The treatment is by default personalized.

My question is, how would this story play out under Obama-care?

Time to define lying. Again.

2009-09-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

Once again I feel the need to point out that a lie is only a lie, if you believe what you are saying is untrue. So to reiterate:

1) Bush didn’t lie - you can debate WMD's but I think it's pretty clear GWBush thought they were there;
2) I don’t think Obama lied - He apparently changed the language just prior to his speech;
3) I don’t think Joe Wilson was lying - Joe didn't know Obama had just changed the bill;
4) Bill Clinton lied - He knew damn well what the stain on the blue dress was.

Clear?

Is it really 2009?

2009-09-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

I heard a tale of professional malfeasance today I can only describe as unbelievable.

A buddy of mine is looking to hire two senior technical people to work in China. My buddy is an executive in an American software company that is opening a branch in China. As with all branch operations the manager is in place and is someone that has served time in the US and should understand how hiring works in the modern world.

Anyway, after a fairly significant search and vetting process my buddy has found the two candidates to whom he’d like to offer the positions. These two candidates are supremely qualified. These two candidates are also women. Female.

The manager in place raises three concerns with hiring these women. “One, we know that women aren’t really good at math. Two, we know that two women working in the same office will experience their cycles at the same time and fight. Three, I will lose face with my peers because they will think I am a fool.”

Really, the guy said this. My buddy explained to this fellow that the company they work for does not make hiring decisions based on race, religion or sex. So these two women will be hired.

I can’t figure out whether the manager is retarded or if China is so far behind the US socially that this is considered a reasonable attitude. Have we time travelled to 1926?

Silly Geese

2009-05-10T17:50:00.001-07:00

I hate the canada geese. They're loud, they crap everywhere and they don't understand traffic. My brother (my brother!) tells me he finds the death of these geese to be a tradgedy as they 'mate for life'.

Brother, mating for life is a privilege for all species smart enough and dominant enough to be the supreme beings in any eco-system. Geese don't count. They wander in traffic and drivers (human drivers!) get ticketed for running them down.

This is yet another example of the government getting involved in nature and screwing it up. Creatures too stupid to avoid traffic don't get the privilege of mating for life. Cats, dogs, and octo-moms have litters. If the Octo-mom wanders out in traffic, does the poor driver who didn't see her get a ticket for exterminating a lesser secies?

Think about it. I'm gonna go run over some geese out on the golf course with my 4-wheeler.

My Space

2009-04-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago a very pushy lady came to the door of my home insisting on speaking to me. Because I am socialized (to some extent) I didn’t just slam my door shut in her face. I wish I had. She represented the local homeowner association. She then proceeded to take an hour of my life so she could fill out a form with answers she wanted. I now hate her.

Seriously, I do not think I am obligated socially or otherwise to open my front door. Now if the police come by, I’ll open the door. But from now on, that’s it. I’ve had it. I’m going off the mother loving grid. No more kids selling candy. No boy scouts, no football team raising money. No more. If that pushy old lady shows up, I’m tossing her off my front porch. I don’t know her, I don’t owe her. I’ve had it.

Oh yeah, keep your barking little crap factory off my damn lawn. I have a shot gun and I’m more than happy to shoot ANY animal on my property. They’re your pets, you clean up after them.

Next time up, why I hate those darn geese.

God Bless the WHO

2009-04-30T17:55:00.001-07:00

The World Health Organization is making life better for me by calling the swine flu, the H1N1 virus. I refuse. I will continue to say swine flu.

Also, just to be clear, I will not stop saying retard or gay. If you aren’t as smart as the person sitting next to you, you know you’re a retard. We all do. Also also, I still refer to stupid stuff as ‘gay’. For example, referring to Swine Flu as H1N1 is gay. Anyone who does so is a retard.

Torture

2009-04-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

Here we go.

The president released the memos, but not the results. The results are the intelligence. We can’t release real intelligence. However this does mean that the releasing of the memos is really pointless. Without all the data we can’t weigh whether or not the decisions made by the Bush administration were justified or not. We can only claim that we find ourselves “ashamed” the US engages in torture. This is akin to announcing the baseball scores without naming the teams. E.g. 5 to 2; 4 to 7; There’s not enough data, get it? Barak does.

So now Barak can go back on the world stage and say, I apologize for all Americans. Ain’t that grand? When one apologizes it means that one understands that what they did was wrong and that they won’t do it again. I guess Barak doesn’t speak for me and his next apology is clearly not on my behalf. If I capture an enemy combatant and I think the enemy has vital information, I will begin water boarding immediately. I mean without the results, I have no reason to believe it isn’t effective. Right?

Clinton Defense Policy

2009-04-15T17:38:00.000-07:00

I see where Hillary is going to demoralize the Somolian Pirates by freezing their assets. What assets? They're attacking freighters from row boats. If they had any assets, wouldn't they invest in better pirate boats?

Way to go Hillary! I'm certain the Bill is going to bed early and drinking his milk every night you aren't home to supervise him. Yeah, suurre...

Silver Linings

2009-03-02T18:20:00.000-08:00

There is some good that comes from being this sick this long. I mean physically sick, I know I have been mentally/emotionally unwell for some time now. Anyway, I’ve been trying to lose weight for some time now. Two hundred pounds has been the bane of my existence for the past year. Finally I have achieved One hundred ninety. Now I do understand that at five feet ten inches, I’m still about four inches under height for my weight, but I’m finally a little closer.

I really was sick starting in early January. I started losing weight then. I had joked with coworkers that it must be cancer. I knew it wasn’t quite right. It’s as cold as (insert analogy) well… in Ohio this winter. So I haven’t been exercising. So there’s no reason for a guy who eats like I like to eat to lose weight. I should have known. Anyway I had gotten the magic number below 205 and I was actually pleased to be able to wear my ‘skinnier’ clothes. The problem is, the number was still dropping.

I got to the doctor (finally) and he sent me to the hospital. The hospital sent me south of 190. Even my skinnier clothes were feeling baggy. This is great I thought. I can actually conceive of 180 or heaven forbid the panacea of 175. I can taste it. This is more of my mental illness. The idea that I need to recuperate first has less interest than the idea that the water displacement in my hot tub will be reduced. Bring on the skinny jeans!

The other issue of course is that I’m still horribly mis-built. I have what I describe as a bumble bee’s body; I have skinny arms, skinny legs, and a corpulent, fuzzy torso. I look like a giant bumble bee. Unfortunately, no major designer has a bumble bee line. So, my brilliant weight loss has left me with no clothing I can wear and no hope of being able to find such clothing.

To recap, I got sick, I lost weight, I still look terrible. What did I title this entry again?

Heart Failure

2009-02-23T18:42:00.001-08:00

The following is a true story.

For about a year I was having very irritating sinus issues, most likely allergy related. This January things got worse. I saw my doctor and we decided on a treatment plan. As a result, I spent all of last weekend in the hospital with heart failure. What have I learned?

I have been experiencing sinus headaches that bordered on migraines for the past 12 months. It really hurt. My doctor and I decided on a very aggressive strategy to treat these issues with Allegra-D, Mucinex-D, Nasonex, and Astelin. These drugs work great. However, they do not cure an infection.

In January this year, the symptoms became more persistent and in fact seemed to have moved into my chest. I thought I was experiencing a relapse into a childhood asthmatic disorder related to the allergies. So I went to the doctor thinking I had an acute infection that needed to be treated with antibiotics. I asked the doctor what I should do about the 4-drug cocktail I was already taking, he advised me to continue taking the drugs. Here’s where the trouble begins.

I know and my doctor knows that I have a hereditary issue with hypertension. I have been on blood pressure medications in my past. However, I had been off of the medication for a while (3 years) due to lack of symptoms. If you were paying attention in paragraph two, you realize that two of the drugs in my four drug combo will drive blood pressure through the roof and in a susceptible individual like me… well, I think I may have set a record or two.

Anyway, after I finished the two weeks of antibiotic, I waited one more week to see the remaining symptoms to fade. The ‘asthma’ did not. The shortness of breath which I attributed to the inability to breathe did not fade. I thought I had pneumonia. I went back to my doctor; he wanted blood tests and x-rays. I guess he thought the same thing I did. I saw my doctor early the next morning (Friday). His diagnosis was not what anyone expected: heart failure.

I went to the hospital (Grady Memorial, yikes!) where I spent 2 days consulting with cardiologists (good cardiologist-bad cardiologist!) and lowering my blood pressure by all possible means. I had 4am tests, 5am blood draws, other tests, lots of drugs and no sleep. Let me tell you, the hospital is more like jail than the fancy hotel you could stay in for half the price.

In any event, I got out Sunday afternoon. Lowering the blood pressure seems to have helped tremendously. I will be seeing the cardiologist and my doctor later this week for more testing. We’ll find out how much damage has been done to my heart and how much can be repaired. As for the actual cause, we may not ever find out. God bless modern medicine.

Adorable!

2009-02-11T19:09:00.000-08:00

As you can tell by the title, I was going to talk about our President’s address on TV two nights ago. I think I’ll give it a rest.

What I really did was finally read Hemingway’s short story, A Clean Well Lighted Place. I truly believe the short story is the ultimate American art form. Hemingway was a master. I like the simple prose and the layered meaning. I like the unspoken comparison among the 3 men at three stages in their respective lives. I like that the old man never actually speaks.

I have heard music described as the silence between the notes. This story (again) illustrates that the art is in the words not written as much as the words on the page. If you haven’t read it, go do so now.

Democratic leaders hail $780B stimulus deal

2009-02-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

That’s an odd definition of victory. Apparently only spending $800B is better than one trillion dollars. So much better that we must declare victory. Why does it seem that no one understands that the government needs to stop giving money away and then the corporations will stop looking for a handout?

I understand the corporation’s position. If the government is giving away money, you only handicap yourself if you don’t get in line for your share. I’m not going to return my stimulus check.

I don’t believe we would be in the position we are now, if Bush had simply let the banks that were in trouble fail, this would be done. By the way I don’t think the banks would really have failed. I seem to recall healthier banks actually suing each other over who actually had the right to buy the failing entity in question. I must believe that the healthier (and theoretically smarter) banks must have seen some value in the failing entity. Oh and just to be clear, I do not buy the argument of too big to fail. Isn’t that a monopoly?

The solution is for the government to stop trying to regulate the free market. The free market works. Conversely, the government can’t do anything efficiently or to make a profit. These people pay $10,000 for a toilet seat for goodness sake. Stick to defending the national borders. If the government must invest, invest in weapons, weapons systems, and weapons systems platforms.

Pop quiz: How much money did the Ohio Department of Transportation get from the Fed last year? Where does the federal government get the millions of dollars it returns to the state? How is it more efficient for the federal government to pass money to the state government to distribute to the district offices to be spent? Answer: It’s asinine.

So now we have much longer recession in front of us, a government that sees an opportunity to own more of the national economy, and a president (The Obamanator!) who is absolutely dedicated to redistributing the wealth.

I can only hope I’m wrong.

Welcome to the Paradise

2009-02-04T19:27:00.000-08:00

I suppose I was wrong. The Obamanator has been in office for a little over 14 days and the US has become a paradise. We have high unemployment and a new partisan attitude. An attitude that Chuck Schumer (1st mentally retarded member of congress) practices by stating; “we won’t remove pork from the recovery bill even if it doesn’t really fit because we won’t compromise our principles.” Nice.

I see where the Obamanator has determined what a CEO should be allowed to make. Over the summer he told me that I wouldn’t appreciate a tax holiday on gas because it wouldn’t be enough money to matter to me. I’m hoping that with nationalized healthcare he will be able to tell me how much pleasure I am allowed to derive from a single dump. I suppose if I’m enjoying it too much, I can just “pinch it off” and save it for my next dump. I guarantee that will reduce the amount of pleasure in my life. Don’t believe me? Try it yourself.

Now the great Obamanator can’t seem to appoint a cabinet member with out a tax problem. Is he so much of an elitist that he doesn’t realize that we who work for a living provide the bread on his and every other member of our government’s tables? Or is it as simple as democrats don’t feel the need to pay taxes? That seems to make some sense, they love to redistribute it.

Shall we recap the Obamanator’s 1st 2 weeks? Close GITMO, the Blago controversy, the Daschle controversy, the Killifer withdrawal, an apologetic hand outstretched to the irrational muslim world, and an absolute throwing himself on his sword moment on national TV. This guy is better than Jerry Lewis.

Maybe not.

So Angry

2009-02-03T19:04:00.000-08:00

Why am I so angry? I find myself filled with unfocused rage. I can't seem to relax. Maybe my week is just too stimulating. Car crashes, diets, and an ungrateful teenager tend to do that. Let's review:

Yet another car crash.

I was once again rear ended on the way home from work. It’s not fun. I hard the squeal of the tires and looked in my rear view mirror just in time to see the woman in the van sliding into the black sports car behind me. Then he hit me. I suppose he should be livid. He easily got the worst of it. What irked me was the woman who couldn’t control her car got an attitude! Wow.

Once again on a diet.

My wife informed me on Sunday that we were going on a diet. So Monday on my way home to eat the diet dinner after being rear ended it turned out that diet meal one was pretty good. I was completely surprised and pleased. So Tuesday, I’m looking forward to an accident free trip home and another tasty diet meal. The house dragon called me at lunch to tell me she wasn’t going to cook. The one day diet plan I suppose.

The child stops by.

When I get home much to my surprise the child is home. It hasn’t been around for a few days, rumor is it found yet another boyfriend who doesn’t have a car. Standards child! Standards! Fortunately the child was only home long enough to consume the remaining leftovers from Monday’s tasty diet treat, do some laundry, use my computer to print some tax forms, gripe about how it isn’t getting enough money in a return, and take a shower before going back out to see the under employed, non-car having, low rent new boyfriend. Great. How much is this gonna cost me?

Conclusion.

I don’t know why I would be upset. I guess I just gotta learn to roll with punches, right? Maybe I should duck more often?

Personal Best

2009-01-22T17:35:00.000-08:00

For the first time since 1995, I am passing my second anniversary with the same company...

Holy commitment Batman!

psst! Wanna hear a secret?

2008-07-25T17:26:00.000-07:00

Some random thoughts on a Friday night.

Obama is a communist.
John McCain can't decide what he is.
The war in Iraq was and is right.
George Bush Jr is a spendthrift with my money.
Any initiative toward nationalized healthcare is wrong.
Man made global warming is an Al Gore inspired tree hugger fantasy.

Discuss amongst yourselves. I'll defend my positions in a later post.

2nd Place is the first loser

2008-05-06T18:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you’re right I am trotting out the old pro-death platform again. All week long I was hearing how the Kentucky Derby was passé. Now it’s the best example of what sports is about. Winner gets the fame, the money, the glory, all the accolades, and still has a shot at the Triple Crown.

What do the losers get? Well, if you finish second your prize is death. Screw you!

I know PETA is upset. The anti-human league wants the jockey punished. Ridiculous! This is just another example of how the anti-American pro-communist lobby wants to ruin the spirit of American achievement. They say, “Everyone who competes is a winner.” I say, “Bullshit!”

What sport wouldn’t be better if we executed the loser right there on the field of battle? That’s what it’s about. This is why all those ridiculous reality shows are so highly rated. If you win you go on, if you lose you go home (die).

Now I understand we can’t and shouldn’t kill humans. But for goodness sake, in this case it’s just a horse. Hell, I’d be willing to shoot one of Mike Vick’s dogs every time PETA said a goddamn word.

so foolish

2008-04-07T17:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am so retarded I amaze myself. My belief in the basic goodness of human behavior continues to amaze me. I have a coworker who refuses to treat me with any common human decency let alone any real respect. Most people if you treat them well and with respect they will treat you with respect. Here’s what I don’t quite comprehend, even dogs can be trained.

Maybe this is my thought problem. Dogs and cats can be trained. Birds and lizards cannot. The problem is I am treating this coworker like a mammal. I tried to throw this coworker a bone earlier today and I got bit, again. Maybe this coworker is more like a lizard. I What I need to do is tempt this coworker with a raw egg.

I think the bite is infected.

redsth win redsth win

2008-04-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the harry caray impression. I'm just kind of excited. The reds are 2 and 1. 1st place! 161 and 1 - World Series!

Here's the real question, when did I become "that" old man. The one that sits in front of the TV yelling at Dusty Baker and Jeff Brantley. I actually yelled (out loud), "Screw you Brantley!" when Enarnation hit the walk off on Wednesday night.

What's next?

Mild Retardation

2008-04-01T18:11:00.000-07:00

Are you familiar with those people that look normal, sound normal, but as soon as they speak, you know they aren't as smart as you and me? I know, I know, you're thinking, "Larry, you're describing the average liberal." Well, I am, but that's not who I'm talking about.

Have you ever had what seems like a reasonable exchange of ideas, only to have the person you're talking to draw a completely baffling conclusion? You're thinking, "Larry you're talking about the clueless automatons at the IRS." Well, I am, but that's not who I'm talking about.

Is there someone you know that in spite of overwhelming evidence, continues to insist that the outcome this time will be different? Yes I'm talking about Dusty Baker. Dusty, COREY PATTERSON IS A PROVEN 260 HITTING CHUMP! PLEASE PLAY SOMEONE THE FANS CAN ENJOY! At least stop hitting the man leadoff. Please. Seriously, automatic outs should be avoided.

Panama City, Fla in February

2008-02-23T15:41:00.000-08:00

The Wife (House Dragon)

The Mother
The Father (What the heck is he wearing?)
The Beach

Goodbye!

Oh no! Not you Elmo!

2008-02-22T16:01:00.000-08:00

Check this out. What the heck is Elmo saying? Fish, is this your doing? Did you fall out of love with Elmo?

Back for a Year

2008-02-09T15:10:00.000-08:00

I’m back in Ohio for about a year and a quarter now. It’s probably time to take stock of my situation and figure out how big an error I have made. I mean congratulate myself on what a brilliant dude I am.

My Wife

I had hoped that moving back closer to my family would help my wife. She does a great job at earning money as well as the respect and confidence of her coworkers, but in Seattle she struggled with friends. The root of the problem seems to be that her performance at work intimidates potential friends and she really doesn’t have the kinds of hobbies that lend themselves to other people.

Moving here has actually made some of this worse as my wife now resents the fact that I have pre-existing friends that would drain my time and she is not interested in ‘hanging out” (which I completely understand) with my friends.

We’ll score this -1

The Child

The child complained all through high school that the school she attended did not have enough people that looked like her. Fair enough, we sent her to Central State (U of Wash, somehow wasn’t ‘good enough’). Anyway, the child seems to be doing alright, but not stellar. While her grades are good, her social life is thin. We’ve made some miss-steps in the process, but while my wife disagrees, I think we’re on a good pace.

Let’s call this a +1

Extended Family

Nobody gets to choose their family. That said, Mom and Dad seem happier, my brother seems happier, I think my sister wishes she had a free place to stay in Seattle for her and her boyfriend. Oops, 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.

I call this +1.

Financially

Woof. As much as the House Dragon has terrorized her new employer into a larger paycheck, I have been hammered. I truly do not understand the cost of living indices. For the first time in a long time I am not living ‘well below my means’. I don’t know how I goofed this up. It’s probably the fault of my gigantic brain.

-1

Overall

I mostly moved back to Ohio to be closer to my parents. I miss my friends in Seattle. I’m bad at staying in contact, I feel like my time is gone long before I get to spend it. I don’t get to see my Ohio friends as much as I would like. I spend about as much time with Mom and Dad as possible. I don’t regret my time away, I’d like to go back to Seattle at some point, but its good to be here. For now.

+1

Score
+ 1 = a good decision (hooray for me...)

Sensory Deprivation

2008-02-01T13:57:00.000-08:00

Here's a list of some of the rules that make my job 8 hours in the sensory deprivation tank.

Nothing is allowed on the walls. No pictures, no awards, nothing. There was a mark on the wall by the thermostat and physical maintenance noticed it and grilled me about the mark.
No cell phones with camera
No IPod
No memory sticks
No cameras
Can't use the USB port on our workstations
Can't use the cd/dvd player on our workstations
Can't have admin privileges on our workstations (we use windows based machines)
We have flex time; you can work from 7 to 4 -OR- from 8 to 5. Note: that's 7:00 to 4:00 not 7:01 to 4:01. Yes this is enforced via cameras in the parking lot
must wear a shirt & tie, except for our monthly casual day, where you may skip the tie.
Did I mention flex time? Lunch is from 11:30 to 12:30 -OR- 12:30 to 1:30. No kidding
All outgoing email is monitored. No profanity. Even in stuff you are forwarding to your own home
Of course internet usage is monitored, this is actually a little less strict than other places, but I haven't really tried anything risky.

That's not nearly everything, but its enough for now.

Nobody comes here anymore

2008-01-31T19:46:00.000-08:00

I'm cold. It's gonna snow tonight. My boy Rudy quit and threw his support to McCain. Crap.

Now I'm a 1 issue voter. The issue is Iraq. The democrats are wrong.

Back to Basics

2007-06-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

I saw this in the Seattle Times today.

So obviously, I have some questions:

what is the proper amount of time to keep a dead hooker in your bathtub?

And where did this guy shower during the 3 days his tub was occupied?

Do the parameters change if you live with your girlfriend?

with your wife?

TV watching

2007-06-06T19:54:00.000-07:00

Saw the Squidbillies tonight. Just needed to share a quote from Early, "Son, there's every chance in the world I was drunk when i said that."

I'm not quite sure why I thnk this is so brilliant, but I do.

Long Strange Trip

2007-05-14T05:49:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while. Since moving to Ohio I have: changed jobs, decided to work in a city that I don’t live in, seen my quality of life drop to less than that of the Saharan lowland gorilla’s, and been pissed off at my wife for about 2 months. I am happy to report that I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t think it’s a train.

The quality of my life is awful. I drive 90 miles each way with my wife. I call my job the sensory deprivation tank. No cell phone, no email, no internet. I do get a small window where I can witness a tree and some grass. There was a family of squirrels I would watch… Anyway, I get to spend 1 hour a day unwinding before crawling into the sleep chamber so that I can get up at 4:30 am and do it again.

We have also been house hunting in Columbus. That means that the wife and I spend 2 or 3 nights a week in Columbus so that we can look at houses that we can’t agree upon for 3 hours a night. Our realtor has also been helping in that the first 2 houses we liked that she showed us were already under contract. That means that on the days I don’t lose 3 hours commuting I lose 3 hours looking at houses I not allowed to have.

Between the togetherness and the disappointment it amazes me I am still married. However things are looking up.

After looking at 41 houses, making 4 offers, having two of them not available, and 1 in the negotiating process with another buyer, we have a home. I think. We have agreed to a price and the inspection happens this week. I am very hopeful.

Now all I need to do is come up with a down payment, and figure out how to make the monthly payment. That doesn’t look like a train to you does it?

Brilliant new site

2007-03-18T17:10:00.000-07:00

Check this out! You'll want to bookmark this if you are at all concerned about your career. Click it now!

American Idol

2007-02-27T18:33:00.000-08:00

I only have 1 question about American Idol. As I sit here tonight watching Ryan and Randy and Paula fight with Simon and I think about just how terrible a couple of the contestants are tonight. I know that I will watch on Thursday night to see who gets axed. I love the feral nature of the cutthroat competition. That said (my catchphrase!); I absolutely hate and fail to understand why they make us suffer through one more performance of the worst performers on the show!

Cut that whack crap out!

On another note, I finally saw Hustle –n- Flow on cable last week. I liked it. I can totally relate. It’s hard out there for pimp.

Shaved my head.

2007-02-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I started shaving my head in early January. I’m not really sure why. The reactions have been mostly positive. I have only had a couple bad experiences. I like it!

I’m not sure what motivated me. I suppose I noticed that as short as I was wearing it, I couldn’t see much difference in shaving versus shearing. I also don’t handle the clippers as well as I do the blade, I think. Finally it seemed like I could finally have a look I liked. I think I succeeded.

The reactions from my family and friends have been positive. My mom and my brother say they like it. My dad seems to enjoy it. The only dissenting voice has been my wife. She won’t say she doesn’t like it, but to quote her, “I guess there are things about me you don’t like.” Ouch.

There are really only 2 downsides thus far. I really notice the cold. As little hair as I have had, I never thought being completely bald we be so noticeable. It is.

Also since I shave every day, I have had 1 really bad cut and 1 painful cut. The bad cut was in the back of my head. Those 5 bladed razors can take off some serious skin. The wife said she saw “white meat”. Yuck. Also I cut my ear today. I’m quite a bleeder.

All things considered I like the new look. I think I look a little like King Pin from the old Spiderman comics. That’s not a compliment. However I think I like that better than looking like “The Winner.” Which I am gonna watch.

Quote of the day

2007-02-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

Here are some odd quotes I find amusing this evening.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Software is like pinball; if you win you get to play again.

My fantasy is to have 10 or 12 college cheerleaders come over to my house and re-roof it while I take a nap.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Love is a very beautiful very intense feeling for a startlingly short period of time. Before long you realize love just gets in the way of the real important things in life like just going to sleep or being left alone. That's when love starts fading and lies kick in.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I must be getting depressed.

Whiteout

2007-02-13T17:08:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s time to post. I actually have too much to say and I can't get myself organized. I know! Let’s play good news – bad news.

I got a new job in Columbus, Ohio. Good news.
I still live in Dayton. Bad news.
I like my new job. Good news.
They were mean to mean to me when I quit my old job. Bad News.
I finally get to drive my new car. Good news.
180 miles per day. Bad news.
Lori works in Columbus. Good news.
Big snowstorm yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Bad news.
Lori and I get to commute together... let’s stop this game.

Well, that didn't pan out. I'll just talk about the weather.

The weatherman finally got it right. We got pounded with the snow in Dayton. They’re predicting 5 to 10 inches before it’s over. They are further predicting an ice storm and dropping temps tomorrow.

We decided to brave the weather today and drive to Columbus because if we missed today there is no way we’d make it tomorrow. I haven't had this job long enough to miss 2 days. It took 3 hours to get to work today. I sure hope somebody notices. I-70 ain't no joke in the snow.

On the plus side of the ledger, Lori found a good room tonight. We got a big room at a good price. Now we’re sheltered from the storm watching American Idol. Hot dog!

Bythewaysumthin, where is the damn global warming?

Period of Darkness

2007-01-19T04:40:00.000-08:00

I have a new job. I will post about it when I can post about the old job. I am imposing a period of darkness until I get my last check from the old employer. Discretion is the better part of valor.

Hopefully I will have a real post tomorrow.

New Years Resolutions

2007-01-02T04:41:00.000-08:00

I have decided to be more judgmental in the New Year. I’ve always been opinionated, but I’ve never really cared enough to judge people. I have decided that I need to stop being half-assed about my commitments. From now on, I will couple my opinions with heavy handed judgments.

I’ll start now.

Any American who hasn’t been to Rushmore is a communist and I judge you to be inferior.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

2006-12-28T07:24:00.000-08:00

This has been one of the busiest years for me in quite some time. I was employed the entire year for the first time in 3 or 4 years. I turned 40 and we relocated across the country for no apparent reason. This is what it looked like chronologically.

The year in review:

January
My friend and neighbor, Dave, coins the term House Dragon. I immediately embrace the phrase.
I realize that I can no longer play “Lambs” with the child. “If it doesn’t clean its room, it gets the hose…”

February
Even in Seattle we experience cold (not frigid) weather. Come on global warming! I purchase 300 aerosol cans of hairspray and release them in my backyard.
We narrow down our collegiate choices for the child.

March
We decide (as a family) that we are moving back to Ohio. The child will attend college there (assuming it graduates high school). The House Dragon and I will move as soon as we can plan and execute the plan.

April
Planning: graduation, visits from friends and relatives, college, birthdays, and the big move.

May
Dreading: graduation, visits from friends and relatives, college, birthdays, and the big move.

June
The child turned 18 and graduated high school. Her intellectual decline continues. Mom and Dad visit for the graduation and I get to Mt St Helens for the first time. Wow! I would like to do that again.

July
I turn 40. Holy ----! My buddy Beef comes out to visit for the first time and we visit Rainier. What a great park.

August
Aunt and Uncle come out to visit for the first time. They get to meet the House Dragon and her offspring for the first time.
We bring the child to school in Ohio. Hello Central State! The child continues to deteriorate intellectually.

September
The House Dragon resigns her position and starts looking for work in Ohio.

October
My wife (the House Dragon) got a year older. She’s somewhere between 30 and 2 million years old.

I begin to sell all my big toys: motorcycle, jet skis, pickup truck, and beer fridge.

November
I begin my search for work in Ohio. I have an offer in 4 days. I submit my resignation. We plan the cross country drive.

We drive cross country from Seattle to Ohio. We used a full seven days. The House Dragon and I both really enjoyed the vacation.

December
Nana passed away, so we completed our cross country journey by driving to New Jersey to say goodbye. It was just like Steinbeck’s As I Lay Dying without all the good dialog and interesting subplots.

The wife got employed (finally!) in Columbus. We purchase a new Toyota for the 160 mile daily commute.

We got the child’s first collegiate grades. It got a 3.67. Wow!!! Maybe it only likes to act dumb?

Next Year
I will change jobs one more time this year as I want to get moved to Columbus. The child may or may not change schools. I will purchase a motorcycle.

I am Santa

2006-12-26T04:58:00.000-08:00

You may not know it but I am Santa Claus for a select ‘lucky’ group of children. About 3 years ago a friend of mine surprised me with a phone call over the Christmas holiday. Since that time, I get a call every Christmas eve. I must say, I like being Santa.

My buddy called me back in 2004 because his neighbors little girls were over at his house and they were on the edge of misbehaving. He called me totally spontaneously and I answered the phone to be addressed as ‘Santa’. I quickly understood what was being asked of me and I played along. Unfortunately when Santa asked the little girl about being mean to her sister, the little girl burst into hysterics. I suppose it’s very traumatic for a young person to be caught misbehaving by Santa.

Then last year my buddy called me again. This time I knew he was going to call and I knew that Santa would be speaking with his 4 year old son. We also decided that Christmas Eve is the best time for this call. My friend’s son and I had a good conversation, Santa was distracted by his reindeer and a 4-year old isn’t necessarily the most focused individual but it was fun. This year Santa spoke to the (now) 5 year old and his 7 year old cousin.

Both my friend and I seem to enjoy this tradition. I like the power of being Santa. I like the kid’s fear and awe of speaking to Santa. My friend really seems to enjoy the fact that his kids think he has a direct line to Santa. Not only that, but Santa will take my friend’s call on his busiest night of the year. Now that’s being on the A-List!

So now I’m thinking that Santa probably has a maximum of 2 more years to be on-call on Christmas Eve. I think I will miss the tradition. I was considering offering this service to my other friends with small children. Then I thought, this is a revenue opportunity. I could set up a website to accept ‘orders’. The call could be scheduled by the website and the person setting up the call could enter whatever information they wanted Santa to talk to the child about. I could even generate a mailing list. I could really be Santa. I would rock!

What's going on

2006-12-12T16:59:00.000-08:00

As a good friend of mine likes to say, “woof.”

I just want to do some general housekeeping for those of you scoring along at home as well as those of you who are reading this alone.

We live in Dayton (Beavercreek).
I work a job I dislike, but it’s about 1.5 miles from our current abode.
The wife has a job in Columbus, 80 miles away.
I bought a car for the wife to drive to work (2007 Toyota Corolla)
I (with permission) drive the wife’s car to work (2006 Mercedes C230)
I’m scared to death that the damn thing might get damaged. So I sit at home paying for a car I don’t drive and living in mortal fear of damaging the car I do drive to a job I don’t like that I can’t quit because I need the money to pay for the car I don’t drive. Meanwhile we discuss the wife quitting her job because the commute is too long while I look feverishly for work in the Columbus area so that I can quit the job I don’t like.

As I said earlier: woof!

Back from New Jersey

2006-12-06T18:27:00.000-08:00

I’m back from New Jersey. We went to Nana’s funeral on Monday and saw all the extended family. I spent 20 hours in the car with my Mom, Dad, brother, sister and wife. On the upside, my job situation is resolving itself but not quite the way I had thought. It was another lost weekend.

Sunday night was the visitation, Monday the service and graveside ceremony followed by the repast at a local restaurant. It was strange to see all the relatives. There are 19 grandchildren with me being the oldest. I spoke to all the aunts and uncles. There are simply too many. I just can’t take that crush of people.

Here's a good photo. My wife, my mother, 2 aunts, my brother, and a couple of cousins.

Of course, the pain of being in a too small room with too many people was alleviated by being in a car with 5 other adults for 10 hours on each side of the actual festivities. The drive was truly performance art at its best. There was my dad the clown, my brother the complainer, my sister the organizer, my mom the griever, my wife the sleeper, and me the tattletale. I was very proud of all of us. We all remained in character and played our parts for 20 hours. I am constantly amazed at human beings capacity for pain.

Finally we got home to find out that my wife has a job offer in Columbus. This means that I need to turn down the job offers in Cincinnati and commence my search in Columbus. I had thought that the recruiting companies I was dealing with would be upset. I was turning what should have been a done deal into a sunk cost for them. Oddly enough, they just want the chance to prostitute me in Columbus. How do these people shave themselves in the morning? It’s got to be hard when you don’t cast a reflection in the mirror.

The best part of all this is that yet another weekend has slipped past without doing my chores. I still need to get in touch with my friends here in Ohio. I need to start my Christmas shopping. I need to get a car. I need to finish unpacking. I need to pay bills. Other than that, life is grand.

Feeling Low

2006-12-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

My mom’s mom, my grandmother, passed away on Wednesday night. She was 87 and the last of that generation of our family to pass. Now we need to do the trek back to New Jersey for the funeral and gathering. In the meantime, Lori and I still need to get settled in Ohio. The weather man says we are in for a full November blow tonight.

At 87 years of age she wasn’t ancient, but she had a full life. I only hope to be as vibrant active and aware as she was up until the last few months. Her passing wasn’t surprise and dad tells me she went peacefully in her sleep, not screaming in terror like her passengers. I’m kidding about the passengers of course. I just think that I would be okay with my story ending the same way.

This makes mom and dad the eldest generation. Dad’s dad passed back during the summer. It also makes me the next generation. I’m not sure I’m ready to move into this phase of life. I’m not ready for the child to reproduce and I certainly don’t feel prepared. I can only imagine how mom and dad feel.

The next thing to do is to travel to New Jersey for the funeral stuffs. This means a testy 10 hours in the car with mom, dad, brother, sister and wife. Followed by conversations with relatives I never see. I hate this part. The problem is it becomes reunion, but only because of death. And as much as I grieve and am truly sad, from the perspective of my aunts, uncles, mom and dad, Nano-Banano was their parent. This is also the first time most of the extended family will meet my wife. So what’s the right way to feel? Guilty I suppose.

I think the witch of November is sending this storm to reflect my mood. The pressures are that Lori and I are still trying to figure out the job thing in Ohio. I’m employed in a crappy job I’m trying to change. Lori is interviewing for a promising position at this moment. There isn’t enough room in the home we are renting for all of our crap from Seattle. Courtnei is trying to figure out life. I’m sure we’ll survive and things will turn out well. I do believe that life doesn’t hand you more then you can handle, but must everything be a test? Bring on the snow!

Lunch Time

2006-11-30T03:36:00.000-08:00

I had a powerful hankerin’ for Asian cuisine yesterday. I saw Timmy’s Wok was down the block. It seemed like a good idea. Then I ate. Then I met Timmy. Man, there are times I miss Seattle.

I saw the name Timmy’s Wok and it reminded me of my old cube mate Tim Nguyen. Tim is a great guy. He is Vietnamese and it looks like he can cook. When he would bring his lunch from home, I would actually experience food-envy. So I looked at the sign and I thought, “I’d eat whatever came out of Tim Nguyen’s Wok. And truthfully all I really require is that a meal be hot and stay down. So how bad can it be at Timmy’s Wok?”

First of all it turns out that Timmy is an expert in the buffet. For $5.99 you get all the Midwestern-Asian cuisine you can eat. There was quite a spread. There were fried egg rolls, chicken wings, wontons, okra, and sushi?! I sampled the jasmine rice(huh?) the shrimp and chicken in sauce, and the black pepper chicken which was prepared with jalapenos. Suddenly $5.99 seemed like an outrageous amount of money.

Then Timmy stepped out of the kitchen. Oh my. A 240lb ex-marine looking dude with a social disorder and a chef’s license, he sat down to ask me how I was enjoying my meal. I could tell that Timmy was unhappy I hadn’t cleaned my plate. He was downright disappointed that I wasn’t going back to the buffet to fill another plate. I explained to Timmy that I had eaten all I wanted. Timmy tapped the sign and patiently explained to me that the sign said all you CAN eat, not all you WANT to eat. Timmy was under the impression I could eat some more.

Not wanting to disagree with Timmy, I stood up as if I was heading back to the buffet but at the end of the row instead of turning right toward the buffet I turned left toward the exit. I ran. I threw 7 dollars at the lady behind the counter up front as I dashed past. I finally understood the look of pity on her face when I arrived 20 minutes earlier. I ran the 2 blocks back to my office, sprinted through the security door, sat down at my desk and considered ordering out.

The New Job

2006-11-22T18:22:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s worse. I thought that Expeditor’s was tough and it was. The new job has better tools and setting, but is still a much worse environment. On top of all that, I feel that this job has no respect for me personally. I do not enjoy this job.

Expeditor’s is a culture shock for software people in Seattle. There’s a very strict dress code which is strictly enforced. The policies about appearance and behavior are strictly enforced. For example, you aren’t allowed to have a whiteboard in your workspace. There are published policies about how to communicate (written and spoken communications) and those policies are strictly enforced. Expeditor’s has an acclimation period that cannot be ignored.

The new job doesn’t really have those kinds of rules. We have dual monitors and whiteboards. There are no real rules about Dilbert comics or plants or other items you might like in your workspace to make your desk feel comfortable. However, you need a security clearance to be able to touch any of the information that pertains to your job. That takes time. We sit in solo cubes (with our dual monitors and whiteboards) and everyone wears headsets. Why? I don’t know there isn’t any conversation! I tried to schedule a meeting to chat about the small amount of code I was allowed to look at and I got 3 (3!) people to come by and ask why I would want to talk about what I had seen. I can’t believe they are paying me by the hour. It’s very frustrating.

On top of all this fabulosity, on my very first day, there was absolutely no one ready for me. I sat in an outer office for 30 minutes waiting to speak to anyone. There weren’t even any receptionists available. I didn’t pick the start time, they did! More insulting, no one even considered going to lunch with me on day one. I asked the bloated sack of protoplasm in the cube next to me what the lunch policy was and he said, “I brought my lunch.” We’re on the same project! When the project manager finally went to lunch with me on Tuesday, he was very clear that we would have separate checks. Not even 1 lousy lunch. Worse than all this, I have been on the job for 3 days now and not one person that I have met has said, “Welcome aboard.”

So I ask myself as I continue to interview, “what is it that will keep me on this task?” The work isn’t interesting. The people are at best jerky. And there’s something about being a government contractor. I don’t know if I can explain it. The people are arrogant without any skill or intellect to back it up. You’d think I’d fit right in. I guess I only like it when I’m the underskilled blowhard.

Made it

2006-11-21T03:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry it’s been a week since my last update.

We arrived in Dayton, Ohio on Thursday at 1:30pm EST. Whew! We rented a room at an extended stay hotel and began our wait for our new furniture. We picked up Courtnei on Friday morning and drove down to see Mom and Dad. Since the furniture was arriving on Sunday morning we headed back to Dayton on Saturday.

I went to my first day of work yesterday (Monday) and Lori and I had our first meal in the new house (Skyline) and spent our first night in the new place. Here are a few pictures:

Ohio isn’t so backward. We have our own outhouse and only 2 other families on the party line phone. Truth be told, some of our neighbors have most of their own teeth and can do cypherin' at a 6th grade level.

I’ll tell you about my new job later. It involves manure, straw, and the phrase “what you doin’ there boy? This ain’t Enumclaw.”

Quick Update

2006-11-15T06:36:00.000-08:00

So, we’re trying to leave Minnesota today, however the dragon needs to go to the mall one more time before we go. Mecca baby, mecca.

I dread the remainder of this journey. Flat, flat, flat land. We’ll be going trough Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana and finally Ohio. I expect to pull into Dayton sometime Thursday early afternoon.

So far the best day of travel was Sunday. We woke up in Gillette, which oddly enough is where we went to sleep. The town’s elevation is about 4500 feet. So when we awoke we were covered in snow.

The high plains covered in snow are a great site. We had beautiful views all day.

BTW, the scariest moment of the trip was about 5:30pm Saturday night. We were on our way to Butte, Montana (pronounced “but” not “b-yoot”, ignorant locals) and the darned deer were standing in the middle of the interstate. I can attest that the brakes on Mercedes will stop the car, under control, before you reach the end of the range of the headlights at 85 miles per hour.

Fun with Photo's

2006-11-13T20:32:00.000-08:00

So, we are in Bloomington, Minnesota. We are visiting the Mall of America. This is the dragon's version of Mecca. I can only assume she will turn toward the twin cities in future times and pray, 5 times a day.

Anyway, we have seen some good sites. Follwing is a quick sample.

Custer's Battleground:

And here's the reason we didn't get any closer...

Devil's Tower:

Mt Rushmore:

me!

2006-11-13T20:27:00.000-08:00

Friday Nov. 10, 2006 - 7am PST

2006-11-11T07:31:00.000-08:00

The morning news fills me with dread, there’s too much precipitation. It appears we made it over the pass just in time. I’d like to get to Billings, Montana tonight. Lori needs to get ready. I want to get rolling.

The morning news teams are celebrating the foul weather in the pass. Thanks to Liz, we went over the pass before calling it a day yesterday. We stopped at Cle-Elum and I would like to get through the mountains before the bad weather catches us. I’m hoping to get to Custer’s battlefield early tomorrow and be able to see Devil’s Tower late in the afternoon. Then we can see Rushmore on Sunday. So I want to roll by 8AM.

The forecast is not promising. I want to get moving as quickly as possible. Lori is still in bed. I’ll attach a photo at some later time. Lori has asked me what the plan for the day is. “Pack and drive, uh-durr! Silly dragon.”

Seriously, I want to get rolling.

Steve Challenge update: 0 for 2. We’re both sick. Does that count?

Moving Day

2006-11-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

Wotta day! Up late last night up early this am. On top of that the dragon is a little under the weather.

And now it’s zero hour. The movers are putting all the boxes we have filled into their huge orange truck. It’s always amazing to me how a life can be boiled down and abstracted to a number of boxes and a set weight.

We made it downtown just in time to be 45 minutes late for the going away party. The movers started 1.5 hours late and traffic was brutal getting into Seattle. We missed Chris and Krista but we got to see most of the rest of the team. Hey Rob, thanks for getting it all together! My lovely wife aka The Dragon is a little jealous. She says, “Your coworkers treat you like royalty, my coworkers advised me not to let the door hit me in the ass!”

We decided to beat feet after the party and get out of town. Truthfully, it was just a little too emotional for me to stay another night in Seattle. We made it to Cle Elum. The down side is that I couldn’t see any of the scenery as we crossed the pass. The upside is the weather was perfect, cool and wet. No snow, no ice.

We stayed at the Stewart Lodge. Room was clean, quiet, typical room. The dragon discovered her favorite TV program was on and was satisfied. I expect no issues getting the hood over her eyes this PM.

Enter the (House) Dragon

2006-11-07T22:33:00.000-08:00

I have a House Dragon. I have decided that my wife is not only my wife, but also the common species of dragon known as the House Dragon. I can’t take credit for naming or discovering the House Dragon. That honor goes to my neighbor Dave. He had a Sunday Bitch, but I had a dragon.

The Sunday Bitch is a cranky variety of wife. Except she’s only cranky on Sunday knowing she is facing another week of work at a difficult job. It makes them angry. Typical symptoms are yelling and cross faces. The big difference between the dragon and the bitch is timing. The bitch is only angry on Sunday, my dragon is angry all the time.

There were other indicators that I had a dragon. I started finding scales in the carpeting. At night, when my wife came to bed I would feel a strong breeze. I thought it was the fan. Then I realized she was flapping large leathery wings circling the bed searching for a place to perch. Then she clears a landing place by firing verbal fireballs at me: “Did you take out the trash?” “Why can’t I watch TV in bed?” “Quit stealing all the covers!” The biggest tip-off was when I saw the spent carapace at the foot of the bed. She had molted!

To be fair not everything is terrible. I turn the dragon loose on all the solicitors. It yells at them without remorse. I also don’t have to defend my seat at the movie theatre. I like the fact that coffee in my house is always hot. I like having a hot meal every night. And frankly there’s nothing better than a warm fire on a cold winter day. And I get to have that fire everywhere she goes.

So I have to weigh the benefits of a warm bed, with the shredded calves I receive when she kicks in her sleep and her razor sharp talons rend my flesh. All in all, it’s a pretty good trade.

Really Lying Fallow

2006-10-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a while.

Here is a list of things coming soon to this blog:

House Dragon Care and Feeding
Liberals Make Me Mad
Selling the Child's Car
Selling the Motorcycle
Selling the JetSkis
Selling the Truck
and several versions of What's Wrong with these People?

It’s Money Baby

2006-06-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

I have decided that it’s time that I cash in on the reality TV craze. It seems to me that American Idol is the top money make and is king of the spin-offs, so far. I see “So you Think You Can Dance?” and I also saw a “Best Little Kid Performer” last year. The thing is I think there are still more American Idol spin-offs to be had. Here are a few of my ideas.

For my first idea I like “Senior American Idol.” You limit the contestants to be something 40 years or older. You remove the restriction on having a professional contract. The best contestants will be individuals that may have had a contract in their younger days. You want to appeal that group people that never quite made it in the music industry but still keep that secret hope in their hearts. Baseball teams run fantasy camps, so why wouldn’t this idea fly? We could get has been bands and 1 hit wonders to do the judging and be the guest stars. You know, Quiet Riot or The Knack or that lady who sang “Ring My Bell” would be excellent choices for guests and as far as judges… well American Idol already has Paula and Randy and Simon, but there must be others.

You don’t like that idea, how about “Asian American Idol?” You limit the field to Americans of Asian ethnic descent. You would remove all age limits. You enforce the recording contract rule, but limit it to American recording companies. You would accept contestants from other countries, providing they have relatives in the US. You get George Takei to host and draw the judges from Japanese rock band imports. What was the name of the 2 little girls that had a variety show in the late 70’s or early 80’s? They’d be perfect.

I’ve saved the best for last. I really think this idea is a winner. Are you ready? “Special American Idol!” You schedule the television run to coincide with the Special Olympics. Bonus points for athletes that compete on the show. You get William Hung to host. The judges can be drawn from volunteers or from special education educators who could also nominate contestants. “Life Goes On” made a star out of Corky. William Hung is hotter than any idol from the same season. America loves the differently-able. Why shouldn't I get to cash in?

Living in a Nanny State

2006-06-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Communist Republic of Washington. I believe that the State of Washington wants to become the Union of Washington Socialist Republics. The voters in this state have backed the anti-smoking law. The state is allocating state monies to enforcing the seatbelt law. And now our fabulous Governor has endorsed an anti-online gambling statute that makes on-line gambling a felony. We are rapidly approaching the status of Nanny-State where the government protects us from ourselves at the expense of our personal freedoms.

You have to love the seatbelt law. Don’t misunderstand me; I think it’s a good idea to wear a seatbelt when driving. In fact, I’m disappointed when people I love don’t buckle up. However, it’s a poor law. Laws are how we as a society define the line where your rights end and my rights begin. The seatbelt law doesn’t have anything to do with protecting that line. Wearing your safety belt doesn’t make you any less of a hazard to other drivers. That makes it a bad law.

The voters in this state decided that their desire not to smell cigarette smoke was more important than the rights of a business owner to determine what legal activities may or may not be allowed to occur on their premises. It is now illegal to smoke in a restaurant, shopping mall, place of business (like an office), or even a bar. Next it will be illegal to smoke in your home. It’s not even a big jump. If there are non-smokers living with you they should be allowed to live smoke free in spite of the fact that you pay the mortgage. It’s only fair. Right? I don’t understand how we can trample the rights of legitimate business owners and operators in favor of alarmist Nazis who don’t want to smell smoke while wolfing their greasy cheeseburgers and fries. This law is disgraceful.

And now we aren’t allowed to gamble on-line. Truthfully, it was always illegal to gamble over the Internet. I understand that. That the state has made it a class C felony is my complaint. We’ve now taken another questionable law and increased the amount of taxpayer dollars we piss away on it. Now because you engage in an act that really doesn’t hurt anyone but you, you can go to jail. The question becomes how do the police enforce such a law. Do they have the right to examine your hard drive to see if you’ve been betting on Notre Dame? What if you call Las Vegas to place the bet? It’s still illegal, but it’s not a felony? How retarded is that? What a terrible law.

Bad laws are an issue because they waste dollars. To add insult to injury the Nanny State I live in is spending even more dollars to specifically enforce these bad laws. The money they are spending on seatbelt patrols alone could be spent in lot better ways then enforcing bad law. We could increase the police presence on Pike and 3rd downtown. You could add extra patrols to the neighborhoods at Christmas time when home invasion robberies go up. Hell, you could ensure that every officer on the force had the proper safety equipment to protect themselves from the violent smoker who refuses to wear his safety belt while driving to the casino!

So welcome to the Nanny State! Every single thing you might do to hurt yourself is now outlawed, or soon will be. It doesn’t matter that street crime is up. It doesn’t matter that violent crime is up. It doesn’t matter that tourists will be chased away. It doesn’t matter that we spend the taxpayer’s dollars like drunken sailors to enforce laws that shouldn’t exist to begin with. What matters is that the state cares for you like your mommy. What matters is that the governor loves you. I can only hope when business is driven from the state, as unemployment rises, as my ability to make buck wanes, that the governor will buy my supplies for me. I need room, food and toilet paper. Maybe Christine Gregoire can even wipe my ass. I might like that. But I doubt it.

No Offense

2006-05-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

I have a friend. Let’s call him Joe B, no that’s too specific, how about J Baloney? That’s better. Anyway, Joe, er uh I mean J Baloney, has this habit of saying “No Offense”.

We all know “No offense but,” means you’re about to hear the most insulting thing you’ve ever heard. The other form is to insult someone but to add the phrase “No offense” immediately after. For example he might say to a coworker, “Tell me the truth. You didn’t get enough oxygen at birth did you? You’re what, about 7 seconds from being a mongoloid? No offense.” Or you could say to a woman, “No offense but, if I were you I’d exercise a lot more.” Get it?

Truthfully it’s just a kind of speech tic. It’s kind of a comfort phrase that makes it comfortable for us to segue from one thing to another. Lots of us have them. I’m aware of my habit. I like to say “that being said”. I have another good friend who says “fer cryin’ out loud!” I have another friend who, after you describe how a bad decision has lead to a disagreeable outcome, says “Well, you’re gonna have that.” Most of these speech patterns are somewhere between amusing and irritating but not really a problem.

That being said Joe, er uh I mean J Baloney, has perfected his art. He doesn’t even realize he is doing it anymore. Maybe J Baloney is right. Maybe the phrase “no offense” really does confer a kind of super power. The ability to insult someone without reprisal is a neat trick.

Hey J Baloney no offense.

Dios Mio!

2006-05-13T09:14:00.000-07:00

I posted this a while ago. This is Ridiculous

Anyway last week there was a second comment added to this post (also anonymously). I also received an email, purportedly from the now famous Joy Bardwell.

The email requested that I remove the first comment as it contained the names of innocents. Even though I don’t really believe anything I read on the internet, especially things marked anonymous and in spite of my policy to not edit comments made by others I have decided to remove the specific names from the comment.

I have acquiesced because the letter making the request was polite and respectful and the author of the letter actually asked and did not demand. While, I don’t particularly believe that any of the people posting or sending email are who they say they are, I also have no need to risk being part of causing trauma for a child.

However, I still think that Joy Bardwell is silly to protest a TV show. I think the bible says something like: if your eye offends you, cut it out. I don’t think you need to cut out your eyes. Just turn the damn TV off.

Stuff that irritates me.

2006-04-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

It is not just as gross to kiss a smoker as it would be to kiss someone who was eating cat puke. It's not even close.

The democrats in congress have yet to propose an alternative to George Bush's proposals. Saying I disagree is not leadership. It's not even argument.

George Bush needs to stop pandering to the democrats. They still hate him and he's spending money like a drunken sailor.

How come my wife and daughter can't turn off a light when they leave a room? For God's sake, I bought timers for the lights so they wouldn't have to worry. I actually bought the timers so that I wouldn't have to walk the house every night turning out lights. They figured out how to use the timers so that they don't have to turn the lights on! The net effect is that I have to work harder as I walk through the house turning off the lights.

Also, why do they think it's alright to store 1 leftover pea in a 2-quart container for six months in the refrigerator. And if, god forbid, I suggest that no one is going to eat said pea, they yell at me and want to know why I am "all up in their business." In the meantime, I have a fridge full of food that shouldn't be eaten and no room for things like milk.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned my new nickname at home? They call me 'big pink'.

I suppose I did something to deserve this. I have no idea what it was, but I'd like to officially apologize.

Drunken Dialing

2006-04-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

I got a call from a couple of friends from high school Friday night. It was kind of strange. I know they were engaging in the drunk dialing plan, but I was pleased nonetheless. It was really great to hear from them. The conversation wasn’t quite coherent, but it was fun.

These were the 2 people with whom I spent most of high school. It’s kind of funny, the one guy I still quote whenever the opportunity arises. The other I tell stories about as if he were a mythical character like Paul Bunyan or a smart person from Kentucky.

I told them that I quote them and claim credit for their exploits. They laughed and told me that I had it easy because I had moved so far away from home I don’t have to face the pain of the mistakes I made earlier in life. I suppose they’re right.

It’s strange how you can drift apart, years and miles and lifestyles (no, none of us are gay), and yet still feel the connection. The conversation ended the way these conversations usually do. We promised to do better to keep in touch. And for my part I sent email right away. But I wonder. We all have wives and children to deal with. We all have jobs that consume mass chunks of our time.

But somehow, I think it’ll be okay. Whenever we get together the years melt away. It feels as though we’re eighteen again facing a world of limitless possibilities and having not been beaten down by life. We all need relationships like that.

Bad Dreams

2006-04-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

I had a very disturbing nightmare last night. I haven’t had a nightmare like last night in a long time. When I was a little kid sometimes I’d have those crazy monster nightmares. Do you know the kind? Like the one where Frankenstein and the Wolfman chase you through the neighborhood or the one where the monster under the bed terrorizes you all night long. Well I had that kind of dream last night.

I dreamed I was standing in my kitchen in front of the sink and there was a horrible noise. A grinding sucking kind of a sound was coming from the garbage disposal at irregular intervals. The garbage disposal was haunted. I was turning the disposal on and off. I was running hot and cold water. Nothing I did would make a difference. My wife was standing behind me making sarcastic comments like, “Oh, that helped.” The disposal would just start and stop on its own. It would make that horrible sound and when I placed my hands on the countertop I could feel the shaking and spinning of the possessed machine.

Then I became more awake. As I woke up, I noticed that I could still hear the haunted device. As I woke more, the noise was even more disturbing. It had no rhythm or pace to it. It was just a never ending irritating sound.

Then I elbowed my wife, she stopped snoring I caught another hour or so of good sleep.

Quote of the day
“I wanna hear Glenn Miller and I wanna see cops beatin’ up hippies.” – Grampa Simpson’s last words…

NCAA Tournament

2006-03-18T21:42:00.000-08:00

For the first time in 24 years, I’m not paying attention to the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. I’m not sure why. I have been busy at the job. I think the problem may be that I have been spending too much time with the wife.

The wife was making some strange noises a couple of weeks ago. I know she’s getting older, so I was thinking that her bushings were worn. Anyway, it seems like she just needed a little attention. So I started spending more time with her. She’s quieter now.

However I may have gone too far. Today, instead of watching hoops and drinking beer, I took the wife shopping. In fact, we went car shopping. It was worse than that. We went Mercedes shopping!

I’m not sure how we became a Mercedes family. I’m not. I drive a base model pick-em up truck. No frills, AM and FM radio, plus I have power steering. I have the full vinyl interior, so like my dad says, any kind of mess can be cleaned up with a hose. I’m a basic equipment standard transportation kind of a guy.

Anyway, I would like to submit myself to wimps anonymous. To review: I don’t drink and watch sports, I spend extra quality time with the wife, I go shopping with the wife, and finally (worst of all) I allow her to have a really nice car we can’t afford, while I suffer with a vehicle that needs a power assist to pull all the way up the driveway! Kill me now.

Go Bucks!

Follow the link. Best 30 seconds you’ll spend.

Mythical Creatures

2006-03-09T21:49:00.000-08:00

I read on the CNN site today about the rat-squirrel. It seems that this little guy has gone missing for 11 million years. I just want to be able to hide from the wife for 3 or 4 hours on Saturday afternoon to watch some hoops. I could learn a lot from this little guy.

Anyway, I have some doubts about the story. It has some of the same flavor of a standard story you’d find in the Weekly World News. The story takes place in an exotic far away place that most Americans have never visited. In this case Laos. The creature has not been seen alive. The only specimens have been corpses. Also the only witnesses are exotic people from the exotic place. To wit: Laotian hunters. So I have my doubts.

I want to believe the story but I don’t want to be a chump. I’m not sure what to think. I want to believe in a superhuman creature able to hide from the wife for long periods of time without the benefit of a basement. I love the concept of the half and half like critters. Half rat half squirrel, half dog half chicken, half cat half chicken, half lizard half chicken, half chicken half rooster are all winners. I could really get behind a pet you can grill on Saturday afternoon.

Winter Haiku in Seattle

2006-02-24T07:30:00.000-08:00

What is the plural for Haiku? Haikooze? Haikii?

Anyway, here goes.

snow falls once per year
traffic snarls as a response
I like to stay home

rain falls all the time
traffic snarls as a response
why can’t people drive

dick cheney shoots friend
liberal locals lose minds
larry says go dick

sonics are no good
mariners do not improve
olympics? who cares

Vice President shoots hunting partner

2006-02-14T20:26:00.000-08:00

I don't see what all the fuss is about. So Dick Cheney gets special treatment. Big Deal. For goodness sake, if wealth and fame don't get you money and power, what the hell are we working for?

I think that the more fame/wealth/power you have, the bigger the assault you are allowed to commit. I assume you're allowed to use buckshot if you're the president. OJ was only allowed to use a knife. Right now, I'd have a tough time getting off if I attacked someone with a wiffleball bat. I just want to reach the level where I can whap random standers-by with a mackerel. It doesn't even need to be frozen. Maybe bashing someone with creamed spinach would be alright too. Maybe not.

I don't think there are restriction on who you whap. I think you can hit strangers or family. Warren Moon was allowed to punch out his wife. Mike Tyson bit Evander Holifield. Matthew Broderick ran over a complete stranger. So there appears to be no relationship rule.

I think it's straight fame/money/power related to weapon. The levels appear to be: fist, basic blunt weapon (stick/fish/auto), edged weapon (knife/teeth), projectile (arrows/guns).

So leave Dick Cheney be. He's only exercising his rights.

This is ridiculous

2006-02-14T06:02:00.000-08:00

I could almost understand the Islamic anger about the cartoons. I don't understand the physical violence or the physical rage, but I do understand being upset. I could understand the gay community being upset about the preponderance of Brokeback Mountain jokes (although from what I read, the community wasn't that upset). But this is ridiculous.

Read this article about a woman being upset about what a television sitcom used as joke fodder.

I didn't even know that being epileptic was a society one could get membership in. It's doesn't seem like it should be. It's a disorder of the nervous system. A doctor told me that the clinical definition of Epilepsy is "one who has seizures." I do not condone laughing at someone having a seizure. In fact, I always call 9-1-1 when I witness a seizure as any seizure can be life threatening. I understand if someone is embarrassed by having a seizure. Although it can't be helped, I wouldn't want a bunch of strangers (or even friends and family) to see me lose complete control of my body. And I would not wish anyone to be a recipient of this disorder.

But now, some theoretically otherwise normal people, are upset because Charlie Sheen's character on a sitcom said that having epilepsy made him "damaged goods". So these people are upset that a fictional being, in a fictional world, thinks that having epilepsy makes you "damaged goods". Is your psyche so fragile that you can't handle a joke?

I have a little advice for you Joy Bardwell of Daytona Beach, Fla. Are you ready? Grow up. Turn off the TV and consider giving your child up for adoption, because I suspect you aren't doing your daughter any good if she is receiving her self-esteem from a CBS sitcom. I would give her to a Monastery or Catholic run orphanage before it is too late. The damage you are doing to her right now is irreparable.

I suppose I should just be happy that people aren't rioting.

Cartoonish Violence

2006-02-10T14:30:00.000-08:00

"Freedom of Expression is Western Terrorism!" These words were written on a sheet held by a Muslim protester.

Way to go 'religion of peace!' Over a cartoon, published in a Danish newspaper, radical Islam has lost its mind again. They threatened violence. They burned embassies and they are being asked publicly by Hamas (a legitimized terrorist organization) to tone it down. I read that Muslim papers were having a competition to see who can come up with the most offensive anti-western cartoon.

Will they attack our president? How are they going to top American cartoonists? Trudeau draws and empty roman Caesar helmet to represent the president. Political cartoonists routinely draw the president as a monkey. So they can't really insult our political leaders to get a rise out of us.

Maybe they could attack Christianity. That's a western religion! Nope, our own federal government paid an "artist" to put a cross in a glass of urine. What else could the Muslims do? I suppose they could have a cartoon of Jesus humping Mary Magdalene. Too late, Dan Brown already did that. (BTW entertaining read). It's also been (being?) made into a major motion picture.

The only Americans that seem to get upset about name calling are the Scientologists. Maybe the Muslims could draw a picture of Tom Cruise receiving an Oscar. That would be sacrilegious.

Verbal Oppression in America

2006-02-07T21:27:00.000-08:00

I need to talk about some thing that has been bothering me lately. I was accosted in a restaurant by a total stranger.

I was having drinks in a restaurant with some coworkers a few weeks ago. We were chatting and joking and laughing about a variety of subjects. No one was drunk and we were not really loud and we were not using offensive language (no one was swearing).

However, I was compelled to do my bit about how I only wear clothing made in sweat shops. I joke about how ‘only oppressed people can get the stitching right.’ I went a little further than usual and said that I would love to have my own sweat shop in my basement and have my entire wardrobe sewn for me every day.

It was silly and funny and I thought it was so ridiculous that no one could take me seriously. I was wrong.

I got up from our table and headed to the restroom. As I passed the host station someone, who had apparently been waiting for me, approached me. This gentleman said to me, “Excuse me, I overheard you talking about sweatshops…”

I not being interested in conversation or conflict because I had to pee, verbally cut him off and said, “I’m sorry if you were offended.” I love that non-apology. Anyway the guy then says, “You should watch what you say.” I walked away toward the restroom, he left the restaurant.

I was washing my hands after urinating before I realized what he had said. In classic fashion, I had the perfect comeback while washing my hands. I should have said, “Or what?” But of course all I was thinking was, “can I walk away now? I need to pee.” So I said nothing.

What was this clown thinking? How did this guy know it was safe to accost me? What wimp vibe do I put out that this numbnut felt that he could confront me? And why was he so upset? And further why was my conversation so damn interesting to him? I could understand if he thought I was not funny. But this guy took me seriously enough to threaten me, but not seriously enough to be threatened by me.

Postscript: I have continued to tell my sweatshop jokes in public. My friends and I are bored with the joke, but now I’m obligated. I hate that guy.

Zombies!

2006-02-02T21:33:00.000-08:00

I recently read a book on how to survive the Zombie onslaught. It's called The Zombie Survival Guide written by Max Brooks. I didn't realize how unprepared I was. I have started to prepare though. Better late than never I say. I have been concerned with the zombie threat for some time now. I try to keep up with all the latest news outlets; I see every zombie movie that comes out. I even watched 'Shaun of the Dead' to keep my self from getting too depressed.

Now I'm sure a lot of people reading this think that I am silly to fear Zombies. That somehow I don't really believe zombies exist and that I am just saying this because I find humor in it. Well, that's just not true. In fact the opposite is true. We should all really fear the zombie threat in each and every one of us! I read today on yahoo news that we are growing undead cells and further that these undead (or zombie) cells are potentially dangerous to us all.

Well, duh! This means that all the preparation I have done, boarding up the windows, hoarding food and water, building a zombie proof entryway is for naught. All the taunting I have endured, all the crazy things my wife has said ("Don't board up the windows! Don't hoard cheese!") has been wasted effort on my part. I can be safely sealed in my zombie proof chamber only to discover that I have brought my own zombies in with me!

Weight Loss

2006-01-27T06:29:00.000-08:00

I see today where a scorpion lived 15 months without food. I don't recall ever going more than 15 minutes without chewing.

A Little Night Music

2006-01-17T06:01:00.000-08:00

Just for you, a glimpse into my personal life.

My wife and I have slightly different sleep patterns. I am very singular of focus. My wife has a wider variety of preferences. Generally we work things out. Sometimes, there are conflicts.

I like to choose a go to sleep time. I take myself to bed at that time. I prepare myself for sleep prior to that time. When the appointed time arrives I go to the bedroom, get in bed, turn off the light, and go to sleep. I like to get six or seven consecutive hours of sleep. This is important to me.

My wife is different. My wife thinks that the appointed time to retire is the time to start getting ready. My wife grabs a bottle of water, a cup of coffee, and a can of soda before heading to the bedroom. She also likes to bring a book and a magazine as well as turn on the TV. My wife doesn’t seem to mind interruptions to her sleep, but she doesn’t like the light to be turned on after she has shut it off. This is important to her.

We usually work this all out. We choose different bed times. If my wife goes to bed first, I give her about 30 minutes engage in her pre-sleep rituals and that usually works okay. If I retire first, my wife will engage in the majority of her rituals in the living room, and then try to creep into the back room without waking me. I usually pretend not to wake up.

The other night I retired first. My wife came into the room maybe an hour later, so I was in the early stages of sleep. I of course heard her come into the room trying to be quiet. I keep my eyes closed and try to ignore the distraction. I know she is carrying a soda, a cup of coffee, a bottle of water, and a book. It’s her minimal traveling kit. Then I feel the bed get bumped followed by a minor expletive deleted and something to the effect of “I kicked my soda.”

I continue to pretend to sleep. Maybe this will stop soon. I sure hope she cleans up that spilled soda. She runs to the bathroom, I assume to grab a wash rag to clean up the mess. I still pretend to sleep. I want her to clean up the mess. I bought my wife a “Clapper” for xmas which she attached to her night lamp. Now while running between the two rooms trying to clan up and she decides she can’t see well enough in the dark to clean up. Next she is shouting, “Light! On!”, “Light! On!” I pretend to sleep.

It’s all good.

WWJW – What Would Jesus Watch?

2006-01-03T22:00:00.000-08:00

I spent lots of time with the wife this weekend and we got to debate the merits of our favorite programs. My wife likes reality programming where as I like the fictional versions. The thought that struck me is, what’s the difference? And more importantly, which set of viewing is the path of the righteous man? What would Jesus watch?

My wife likes almost all the reality programming type programs. She loves Top Model, American Idol, America’s Most Wanted, Maury, Jerry Springer, Starting Over, Forensic Files, City Confidential, America’s Most Wanted, all the judges (Mathis, Judy, Joe Brown and Hatchett) and Cheaters. And yeah I know Springer and Hatchett are really fiction but they pose as reality.

There is reality TV I can stomach. I can understand the true crime shows. I prefer the fictional dramas (Law and Order, CSI, etc), but they’re basically the same show. I can understand the judgment programs too. They increase your perception that the world is just, if not fair. I can even understand the competition shows. I was a watcher of Survivor for seasons 1 and 2. It’s not all terrible.

However I can’t stand the ones that flaunt human depravity. Maury, Jerry and all the rest are a showcase for the basest elements of our humanity. Here are some real topics from these traders in human misery: My baby daddy won’t send his child support payment from prison, My man won’t return my phone calls because his wife is a controlling bitch, My best friend says my old lady is a whore because he sleeps with her, and who can forget, Guess what, I’m gay! (And so are you). These programs actually glorify abhorrent behavior by giving the behavior a platform and making it seem more normal than it is. No one should aspire to these broken individuals.

{Off-topic rant to follow. Sorry, I couldn’t edit myself}
The worst of the worst is Cheaters. The whole point of the program is to have some loser who knows that his or her significant other is cheating on them be confronted by the wronged party. And put it on television. The format is simple: present a sympathetic (pathetic) party that suspects their significant other of cheating on them, get the proof of the other’s indiscretions, climax the program by having the wronged party ‘get up in the face’ of the cheater. The host is a smarmy sub-humanoid who utters phrases like “you’ve taken the first step, you stood up for yourself.” I just want to punch him. These poor saps that think that their lives would be better by putting their misery on TV are taken total advantage of by this program. Gaaahhh!
{Rant over.}

Getting back to the actual topic of this entry, I asked my wife why she likes this type of program. Basically she feels like this is a true reflection of the way that members of our society think and live. The purest entertainment is when people are caught in the act of being themselves. And I thought, my wife is right. The programs I enjoy are most entertaining when they are the most true. A play is great when it talks about a truth of life in a way never before presented. Further, it’s just not entertaining to watch people get along. Conflict is what drives drama, holds our attention and creates suspense. Suspense is that thing that makes you ask, “what will happen next?”

So what would God watch? I’m saying that God isn’t watching me. I’m boring. When God takes a break from tossing gas balls around the firmament (I imagine that’s what God does all day), I imagine he watches us humans down on earth for entertainment. And if you were God and could literally be everywhere at all times, would you watch me not cheat on my wife and not get drunk, or would you watch some crazy ill-behaved human rob a liquor store and run from the cops? So I think that if Jesus came by your house to hang out and watch a little tube, he’d watch the Cops marathon on FX long before he engaged in reruns of Highway to Heaven. Whaddya know my wife is right.

A Gentle Correction

2005-12-29T12:01:00.000-08:00

I am experienced enough to understand that no job truly ‘loves’ you. Employers have certainly fooled me in the past. I have certainly fallen in love with my job, but these kinds of relationships are always destined to end badly.

You find out that the love you were receiving from the job had a price tag attached after all. You find out that all the love in the world doesn’t keep the relationship afloat if the company isn’t selling enough widgets. Sometimes the company just turns out to be a bitch and you really can’t love them any more. All of these endings turn out to be at least minimally brain damaging. My current company is different.

We get periodic (twice a month, roughly) little head-slaps to remind us to not fall in love with the organization. Some examples:

2 weeks vacation for all employees until you have over 5 years with the company. No exceptions! (slap!)
Unpaid leave is no longer allowed. (pop!)
You must take a 1 hour lunch break and work 8 hours a day, every day. No comp time. (bip!)
You must keep your desk clean and professional looking. No personal items save 1 photo of family or pet. (crack!)

You get my drift. Just as soon as you might start to feel the love that might prompt you to want to work a little extra time, to really go out of your way to improve the process, or to go over the top and sweat a little blood for the organization. You get another gentle reminder (“if you don’t file your timecard on time, you don’t get paid” -- pow!) that this is just a job and your family needs to be your top priority.

I like it. I won’t be brain damaged. I won’t be tempted to sacrifice for artificial goals. I can easily look at the contribution I am considering and make a fairly easy judgment call. I know where I stand. (whap!)

Joining the protest

2005-12-28T12:39:00.000-08:00

Stolen directly from The Fishwagon:

I am an American citizen. I am not an advocate for terrorism. If called upon by my country, I would gladly defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. Inclusion of the following list of terms in this personal web log represents my opposition to the President's domestic spy program as well as my belief in the Bill of Rights and my 1st Amendment rights of free speech.

Al Qaeda, Taliban, Iraq, assassinate, 9/11, bomb, plutonium, George W. Bush, POTUS, uranium, target, airplane, train, bridge, tunnel, ship, building, kidnap, Afghanistan, explosives, C4, nuclear, infidel, Allah, Satan, suicide bomber, echelon, New York, Washington DC, White House, Congress, Senate, satellite, Army, Navy, soldier, insurgent, Osama bin Laden, jihad, police, Secret Service, FBI, National Security Agency, wiretap, surveillance, and Carnivore …

A Death Close to Home

2005-12-01T21:22:00.000-08:00

We had some bad news this week. My wife’s best friend died. There was much crying and gnashing of teeth. Everyone I speak to extend their condolence. Many are sad, myself included.

Her friend wasn’t all that old. Many people would consider her friend just a baby. Her friend didn’t have near the lifespan anyone would have projected. An early death is always a sad one.

But I guess like Indiana Jones says, “it ain’t the years, it’s the mileage”. And so it is in this case. My wife’s friend’s life was spent running. My wife’s friend was always serving others. Never once before this time did my wife’s best friend ever need anything beyond my wife’s attention and occasionally mine or our daughter’s.

And reliability was, until now, never an issue. If my wife and I had a fight, her friend was there for her. Whenever things got tough at work her friend was there. But her friend was there for the good times too. Her friend was with us when my wife and I have had some of our best times. Her friend was a main attraction at our most successful get-togethers. My wife’s best friend has even been there for me in the few times my wife has been unable to spend time with me.

We will the friend. Goodbye old friend. You lived well, but far too short. You’d think a 52” rear projection TV would last longer than the 3 years we had her. So yesterday, the wife and I went out and bought a new best friend: 42” plasma screen. We certainly were charmed by the new friend, but can you really ever replace the bond?

Putting up the Christmas lights

2005-11-26T23:55:00.000-08:00

The new neighbors have shamed me. They put out their Christmas lights. Holy Snohomish-PUD! There can’t be a square inch of exposed aluminum siding on their house anymore. They must have put up a billion lights. I suspect I won’t be sleeping until the New Year.

The best part though was how they put the lights up. We put lights on our roof. I send the wife up there and I spot her. There are 2 reasons for this arrangement. Number 1: I figure I can catch her, whereas if I fall on her… well, do the physics. It’d be like Santa falling on an elf. Number 2: The wife is part nanny goat.

Anyway, back to the wacky neighbors. I got up this morning to see Mrs Neighbor parking one of their vehicles in front of my house. Why? They needed to create room for a cherry picker. And they did not get the small one either, but rather one of those big bastards that they use to work on stuff 30 or more feet in the air. Their house has almost the exact same layout as ours. We live in a split-level. A cherry picker!?!

So now, not only do I have to increase the wattage on our lights. Not only do I have to get my lights up sooner. But I need to get some big heavy equipment to help me do the job! Maybe I could rent a steam roller. Ho-ho-ho.

Busy?

2005-11-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

I finally found some time to write (obviously). I was finally able to catch up on some of the accumulated nonsense that has been gathering in my inattention. I’ve been spending too much time at work. I have been ignoring my wife. I have not been keeping up on my personal maintenance tasks. But it hasn’t all been my fault.

I got horribly sick 2 weeks ago. At first I thought I had West Nile virus, but then I watched the news and I decided I had Bird Flu. I actually missed a day of work last week. Of course, I had to work literally all weekend to make up for the lost time. So, my wife was unhappy.

I hadn’t been spending any time entertaining her. Fortunately, we subscribe to the 5th Avenue Theatre. Last night was our night to go see Sweeney Todd. I love a story where justice is meted out at the end of a blade. Tonight we were supposed to go to the movies.

Fortunately my wife had a mini-non-emergency and we missed the show. Thank goodness. I managed to catch up on a little email. I ran on my treadmill. I got around to updating my resume (you never, never know) and I was also able to see George Carlin’s latest entry on HBO.

George is truly one of my favorites. That old bastard is still pretty gosh darn funny. As usual he was right on target as far as his observations relate to my life. His first topic tonight was suicide. That doesn’t relate to me. However his fascination with suicide was apropos. George’s interest wasn’t “why do these people kill themselves?” but rather: “How do they find the time?”

My Wacky Saturday

2005-10-22T20:46:00.000-07:00

What a day. I decided that today would be my catch-up on my life day. I maintained my truck. I maintained my wardrobe. I spent time catching up with the child. It’s unbelievable to me that my day is already over.

I decided to get my truck it’s 30,000 mile check-up. Actually, since I paid for a maintenance plan, I figured I’d best get the service done before I got too many miles on the vehicle. I drove down to the dealership at 7:30am and in a mere 3 hours, I was finally on my way home. Whew.

Wardrobe time. I then headed over to my tailor (really just my dry cleaner) to get the work pants I bought last weekend hemmed up. When you shop at Marshall’s you can’t expect the pants you buy to fit. I also like to have my balls cupped by a strange man about once every 6 months or so. By 11:30 am my life was my own.

At least until about 12:30, then it was child time. The child has gotten itself involved at the drama club over at the high school. Today was its first play. The play was just a half hour 3 scene 1 act dealy-do. The child was pretty good. I was very pleased. Unfortunately, the school believed that they should put on 9 of these gosh darned things. Holy time commitment! Then, just when I thought it was over, the bastards put on an awards show and followed it up with more begging for dollars. Arrgh!

Anyway, it’s now 10pm, and I gotta go to bed. Apparently, I don’t have the time or energy for my life. As I retire for the evening I am left with 1 big question: who won game 1 of the series?

Having a purpose in life

2005-10-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation in a bar the other day. It was kind of a typical bar conversation for me. The person I was speaking to was talking to me about his faith and we were conversing in general about god and life and religion. Then he asked me what he thought was a profound question: “What is your purpose in this life?”

What is my purpose in life? Why do I have to have a purpose? Am I truly the only person who sometimes does things ’just because’? I choose to live my life from moment to moment.

I didn’t want to insult the guy. He seemed like a nice guy so I came up with some good non-threatening bull crap kind of answer that I personally abhor. I think I told him that I think my purpose in life is to be excellent to others. Thanks Bill & Ted!

To be fair, I do worry about the repercussions of decisions I make. I’m not so self-involved that I think I can go through life stomping on those around me. That said I don’t need a purpose or another job to motivate to get out of bed each day and do my damnedest to enjoy it. I’m quite good at entertaining myself and keeping myself busy. I look forward to every day.

What’s my purpose in this life? Apparently my purpose is to come up with non-insulting answers to asinine questions. Maybe I should consult my spirit chicken.

Blogging about the job

2005-10-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

I like my job. I really do. I still resent the vaguely prison like nature of being employed, but I like my job. I like the people with whom I work. I like working in downtown Seattle. I like getting paid. I like my job.

Having a job means not owning your time. You go in when the boss says. You eat when the boss says. You drink when the boss says. My specific job is stricter than others, but all jobs do dictate these things to some extent. It’s insulting and belittling, but I like my job.

I like my cube mates. My teammates in general are top quality people. They’re smart dedicated and to the best of my knowledge have no dangerous social perversions. Now I feel fortunate because I don’t actually get to choose my teammates. Or even my cube mates. It’s insulting and belittling, but I like my job.

Working downtown is a treat. The restaurants, the coffee shops, the Market, are all terrific places. But I don’t get to visit them because my job won’t let me. I might try to ‘cheat’ the company out of 15 minutes. It’s insulting and belittling, but I like my job.

I understand that I don’t have to like my job. That’s why they pay me. But sometimes I wonder about the trade. I feel trapped. I feel like I’m being overly supervised. It makes me wonder if I really am capable of making decisions about whether I’m tired or hungry or bored. No sir, I do not like it. But, if I repeat the opposite over and over and over again, maybe I can convince myself to drag my sorry butt into the place I call work again tomorrow.

I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job.

Movies Movies Movies

2005-10-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

I’ve been going to the movies a lot lately. I think I like this time of the year for movies best. It seems like the industry saves my favorite kind of movies for pre-Halloween. Plus you get all the great Christmas blockbuster previews. It’s big fun. I thought I should submit my one phrase reviews of these pictures for your benefit.

Wallace and Gromit: Latent homosexuals hunt rascally rabbit.

The Corpse Bride: Necrophilia fantasy.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose: Catholic priest doesn’t tamper with young boy, goes to prison.

History of Violence: Café owner puts on show.

I can whole heartedly recommend the popcorn with extra butter.

IRS. Round 2

2005-10-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

Back to the sad saga of my battle with the IRS.

To recap: The IRS received a 1099 and a w-2 form from a company claiming that I had received monies from that firm. The IRS matched that firm’s claims against my tax return for 2003 and discovered that I did not claim that income. The reason I did not claim that income is that I never received that income. Here’s where things get fuzzy, the IRS believes that is my responsibility that I did not receive that income. How can you prove a negative? I think this is some kind of logical fallacy.

I contacted the IRS and I managed to find the company who claims to have paid me. I actually got an explanation from the company that sent the IRS the 1099 and w-2 forms. It seems they did cut a check to me, but they then cancelled that check. Further in 2005 this company sent me another check to cover the amount of the check that was not sent in 2003. Got it?

So, I sent the IRS a letter detailing my phone conversation with the company in question. The IRS sent me a letter back saying, “We read your cry-baby whining-ass letter and deem it insufficient to change our minds. – Love, the IRS.” Maybe it didn’t say exactly that, but close enough. And of course “Love” is the polite term for the physical activity the IRS advised me to take. Once again, I paraphrase.

So now I have contacted the firm in question 3 more times to try to get their customer service people to send some kind of proof to me that they did not send me a check in 2003. I am still waiting.

In the mean time, I decided to call the IRS again to see if I could at least talk to someone with a little empathy for my situation from his/her side. I know and knew before I made the call intellectually at least how things would go. I suppose I had fooled myself into thinking that there was a human being on the other end of the telephone. I was wrong. Maybe this person is mentally challenged. Maybe the IRS hires sociopaths to work their customer service phone lines. I don’t know. But Maria Andersen and her coworker Michelle are totally incapable of human emotion. Thank goodness the IRS does not engage in any discriminatory hiring policies.

What I really want of course is for the IRS to leave me alone and for me not to have to defend myself. I don’t expect that to happen. I would be satisfied if Maria or Michelle would simply say, “You’re being screwed. I’m sorry.” But I’m not allowed to have that either.

The worst part about this is of course coming face to face with your own impotence. There is no threat I can make to the IRS. They don’t even care about my little blog where I say bad things about them. They just don’t care. They don’t have to. I can’t force the IRS to do anything. Yesterday I came face to face with just how impotent I am in the face of this random and capricious beast. It felt bad.

Happily it didn’t hurt the IRS one bit.

deserves

2005-10-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law called yesterday. I have written about the wife's family before so this should come as no surprise. The sister is down on her luck and needs some cash. In and of itself this is not a blog-worthy event. However, the story behind this song is noteworthy. Apparently God does not only exist in prison, but he also frequently visits the downtrodden. This is not news either; I seem to recall stories about how God protects the least of our brethren from my religious training as a youth. But God has actually spoken to the sister.

As it turns out the sister, because she is the fifth child of the mother, is due some amount of money. Also and I did not know this (nor can I confirm it) the bible back's up the communication from God to the sister. The sister is expected to receive some amount of money to help out with all the families’ fiscal woes. I can only assume that this is money that God has put aside for the fifth child. All the sister needs to do is call God and withdraw her just reward.

Here's the problem. Some nefarious person or persons, known and unknown, have stolen the sister's identity and absconded with the cash! Wow! What a brilliant and devious criminal conspiracy. This criminal genius has not just stolen the identity of the sister, but they have duped God into believing that they are the deserving siblings. That's more organized than organized crime. Tony Soprano couldn't pull that off. These guys must be good. I can only assume they called the Vatican (isn't that where God keeps his petty cash?) and fooled the Cardinal in charge of handing out the fifth child's dough. I find this very disturbing.

It's got to be a conspiracy. According to the sister everyone is in on it. The ex-husband (well kind of, they never really got married), the other sister, at least one of the brothers, and several others are all part of the conspiracy. The sister called my wife to enlist my wife’s help to right this biblical wrong.

Unfortunately, the wife doesn’t believe the sister’s story. The wife’s advice was to “get a job” and “stop blaming others for your mistakes.” The wife is pretty damn smart sometimes. Me, I just hope that when I’m standing in front of the pearly gates awaiting my admission into heaven, no one has stolen my identity.

Anonymous

2005-09-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

I have not burst into flames for 14 days and counting. Hat damn! I’m on a streak.

I saw a news article today that reminded me of conversations I had been having with my buddy Steve (article ).

My buddy Steve and I have been discussing for some time the merits and downfalls of blogging. Steve really wants to “tell the truth” in his blog. Unfortunately, Steve often angers his current and former employers when he tells the truth. Steve has never exaggerated or lied in his blog. He is ultimately truthful as far as his data and brutally honest in his assessments.

Unfortunately, Steve has been threatened and sued for the content of his blog. He has put his livelihood at risk. Why? Steve is never rude in his posts. He is critical, but not without reason. In fact, the most controversial thing Steve ever posted was an absolute truth. It was not business sensitive information. In fact, it was arguably public information. Steve posted his salary at a former employer. And they hated him for it.

In the article above, Mini-Microsoft posts anonymously because he fears losing his job. I can understand the fear but I couldn’t take the lack of accountability. If what you are posting is the truth and isn’t considered proprietary information (secrets), you shouldn’t have to fear for your job. If you are just ‘causing trouble’ and ‘telling secrets’ you should be fired and/or sued. Why should you have to post anonymously?

I can’t imagine not taking credit and blame for my own actions and words. For example, if I were to write some garbage romance novel or the great American novel or even this crappy little blog, I would still want to use my own name. It’s not that I crave the attention, I just think it's the right thing to do. I am absolutely shy. I don’t leave the house on my birthday for fear of being the focus of attention. I can’t stand it. I want to be accountable for all I do. I don’t need anyone to take the blame for my failures except me. I also haven’t figured out how to cash a check made out to ‘Buck Naked’.

En Fuego

2005-09-18T00:13:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I was at my favorite local card room, and I was “en fuego”, “on fire”, “smokin’” whatever figurative euphemism you like. Except I was really on fire!

To set the stage, I had been out with some friends consuming adult beverages and clowning around. As part of the festivities at some point my friend Dave placed several books of matches in the pocket of my sweatshirt. This in and of itself is not a strange occurrence. Dave and I have been taking mass quantities of this kind of non-descript matchbook from bars for a couple of years now. The number of matchbooks in your pocket is a pretty fair indicator of how many cocktails you are over the line. Anyway, Dave probably put about a half dozen books in my pocket. I had not taken any matchbooks.

Later in the evening I was playing poker at my favorite card room. As I was walking back to the table, I felt a warm sensation against my lower left belly. I put my hand where the heat was and I felt even more heat. I looked down and there was smoke billowing from my jacket pocket! I immediately crushed the contents of my pocket against my body to put out the fire. I spontaneously combusted!

I really have no idea what happened. I have some ideas around the match heads rubbing against each other or against my keys, but I really don’t know. I asked if any of the other patrons saw any “ball lightening”. But all they did was laugh and deny they saw anything but my smoking sweatshirt.

Fortunately I was not injured. My jacket has a hole on the outside and the inside of the left side pocket. It also smells like burning rubber. I guess that makes sense. I also get to tell people I was on fire at the casino and mean it. Truth be told, it wasn’t that great.

Spirit Guide

2005-09-16T23:21:00.000-07:00

There’s a new restaurant I have been attending lately. It’s called the Ipanema Grill and they are a “Brazilian” joint.

Basically for a flat fee you get their version of the buffet. What happens is people come to your table and offer you slices of tasty grilled animal flesh. It’s very tasty. There’s also plenty. I often can’t finish the slice in front of me before the next slice is offered up. I could love this joint.

Anyway, last week I consumed so much meat that I entered a hallucinatory state. While in this mental state I discovered my spirit animal.

As you know, a spirit animal is physical manifestation of your own existential guide. An animal meant to teach you things about yourself. To help you better understand how you fit into the universe and guide your actions and inner most thoughts appropriately.

As it turns out, my spirit guide is a chicken, a six foot tall chicken that sounds and looks a lot like Foghorn Leghorn. I suppose any of you who know me really aren’t too surprised by that. “I say I say son. I say your doin’ it all wrong!” This explains a lot.

Earache My Eye

2005-08-24T21:29:00.000-07:00

First of all, my wife is fine. Her car is fixed. She only has residual back pain. Thanks whiplash!

I had some fun playing with the IRS today. It seems that the IRS believes that I owe them taxes from some unclaimed income from 2003. Some company I never heard of, submitted 1099’s and W-2’s to the IRS in my wife’s name for 2003. It was about $1000 worth of income. The IRS, seeing this, believes that I owe them another $300 or so.

So I called the IRS. After wading though a thoroughly confusing IVR system (imagine that…), I finally was allowed to converse with a real human (sort of). Anyway this person read the form to me (thanks!) and then re-iterated that I owed the IRS money. I pointed that I didn’t think I owed them any money. They told me that I was welcome to dispute the charge, but the burden of proving that I didn’t get money from someone I don’t know was upon me. WTF, over!?

How the hell can I prove that? I suppose I could show them my bank statements that don’t have a deposit in the exact amount of the money in question. Better yet, I could get affidavit’s from all the tellers at my bank that I never deposited a check from the company in question as well as subpoena the security camera video’s from all the walk-up and drive-up ATM’s within 300 miles, showing me not depositing a check from the company in question.

Anyway, I did find the company after an exhaustive on-line search and several long distance phone calls. I now know what happened. The company in question wrote a check to us, but then cancelled it before sending it out. But I suppose somehow the actual cancellation of the check wasn’t tracked well enough to not tell the IRS. Whatever.

I of course documented all of this (I still have no real proof) and submitted it back to the IRS as part of my dispute. Also, I submitted an invoice to the IRS for my time resolving their mistake. I have generously allowed them 30 days to remit payment before I would attach penalties and interest. I guess we'll see if turnabout is really fair game.

I guess the bigger question is, does this mean that any sociopath can submit 1099’s to the IRS in anyone’s name and the IRS will assume that the submitted form is correct. I know what I’m doing for Christmas this year. Try not to piss me off.

A Comfortable Silence

2005-08-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the some verbose people can be maddeningly terse when the there is real information to be shared? Some people have a gift for being able to talk for hours on end without getting tired or imparting any information. These people feel the need to generate conversation from the moment they see you until the time you depart company. Yet, when the situation arises where brevity is appropriate, these can people absolutely shine.

I have a friend who can yammer incessantly. I mean this person may have read about a ‘comfortable silence’, but they have never experienced one. I mean this person can talk. Of course, I am once again talking about my wife.

When I come home from work, she tells me about her work day. Then she tells me about our child’s day. Then I get to hear any news about the extended family. This critical data can go on for a solid hour or more! All I want to do is change out of my work clothes and use the restroom. I am not allowed to make more than the briefest of comments during these sessions. I might say “Oh?” or perhaps, “Wow!” and the ever popular, “uh-huh”. Then, if I don’t have anywhere to be, my wife will tell me about what she saw on TV that day. All of this is in excruciating detail. If we’re still near each other I’ll start getting repeats of previous day’s conversations. It’s like a ‘Best of’ type of program, as if she’s re-running highlights of earlier diatribes. She just can’t handle her own silence.

To be fair, I don’t really have all that much too say. Witness the silence on this blog. Has it been a month since I last posted? I don’t like to talk about my job when I get home from work. I prefer to “let it age” until the next day. When I get home I just want to vegetate. Truthfully, I suppose I enjoy the chatter. It helps me decompress. It makes me feel needed to some extent. It creates a warm well-lighted place for me. It makes me feel at home.

Yet today, this very morning, when it really matters, I get pithiness! I received the following voice message from my wife as soon as I stepped off the train in downtown ending my commute to work. And I quote, “I have been in an accident. I was hit from behind really hard. ”. What!?!?

Blogosophy

2005-07-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

Read an article on bloggers and blogging on the CNN site today.

The gist of the article as I read it is that blogging about every detail of your life may not be a good thing. The article touches on people losing their jobs, high school administrators feeling threatened, and people fearing retribution for revealing personal details. To me, this sounds like the same kind of fear mongering that has replaced factual reporting in our 10 second sound byte/entertain me now society. Why not continue to indulge ourselves in the fear-mongering. We have a war in Iraq, terrorists living in Great Britain, the high school kid next door could be a gun toting madman, and who the hell is tracking the sexual deviant last seen outside the grade school grounds. Now we can fear the internet. Thank you Al Gore!

It’s always interesting to me when people are concerned for my safety based on what I write or say. Is their fear really for me and my well being? Or more likely are they concerned I might possess an opinion that they disagree with and since they are afraid to post I will be heard and they won’t? That seems like the right question.

I do understand some of the fear. Whether we want to admit it or not, putting something in writing means more. It means more than a spoken comment and a heck of a lot more than an unspoken one. We as human beings attach more substance to the written word. Most likely because it takes much more effort to write than speak and of course, no matter how quickly we can post information, we still have the time to edit ourselves before we expose ourselves.

There are certainly strange and odd ideas out there in the WWW (wild wacky web). I possess several. I suspect that it is incumbent upon the reader of the web to separate the proper from the improper, the insane from the sane, and the evil from good. It’s probably that simple.

Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem

Terrorist Attacks

2005-07-07T06:35:00.000-07:00

To all of you who think that the George Bush and the US are the terrorists, I have but 1 question:

What did all those London commuters do to deserve
this morning's attack?

now back to your regularly scheduled ranting...

Fireworks and the meaning of the Fourth of July

2005-07-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

Listening to the fireworks on Monday night, I was struck by the commercialization of even this holiday. Christmas and even Easter I can handle. New Years is nothing more than a reason to celebrate the passing of another year, just like a birthday. Mother’s day, Valentine’s day, are squishy holidays, expressly for purchasing crap for your significant other. And don’t try to convince me that sweetheart’s day is anything but a Hallmark holiday. There are 2 reasons the commercialization of the 4th traumatizes me: 1) there’s no reason to spend money. 2) Its a real American holiday with real heroes to celebrate.

There is no inherent gift giving around the 4th of July. The only 4th of July sales involve bathing suits, beer, and steaks. Not things any man ever buys for his wife. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a 4th of July card. Christmas and Easter have fantasy characters that hand out goodies to the kiddies. I know that isn’t the true spirit of those holidays but at least I get the purchasing connection.

The other holidays I equate most closely with the 4th are Veteran’s Day and Memorial Day. These are days that are meant to honor memory of those that served to keep us safe and warm. These holidays are a way for me to honor the men and women that gave quite literally all they had to give so that I could watch the Sopranos and consume Pizza Hut. Well maybe not specifically for cable and pizza but you get the idea. The other thing I like about these holidays is they also give me a chance to thank the people who I know that served. The 4th is about celebrating the birth of the single greatest nation on this earth and honoring the people that suffered, sacrificed and guided a radical idea into a fortuitous reality. I don’t believe for one second that when the kid next door gets that crazy gleam in his eye and sets the dog aflame that he is thinking about the country he lives in or the sacrifices that were made so he could live the life of relative luxury in which he exists.

I’m not quite sure what the cause of my negative reaction is. I don’t mean to sound like an old curmudgeon, but I do. I suppose I should rant about how sports, politics, food, and women were better when I was younger. But it wouldn’t be true. In my younger days I certainly enjoyed blowing stuff up as much as the next guy. And I know I wasn’t thinking about Ben Franklin, John Adams or Alexander Hamilton when I was doing it! Maybe the problem is simply that I have a job this year and I needed to get up early on Tuesday.

Bathroom Fun

2005-06-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

I was in the restroom at work this past week. I was alone using the urinal. In other words no one was standing next to me looking over the divider at my genitalia making comments like, “Nice dick!” or the ever insulting, “Can you f*** with that thing?” It was very relaxing.

Anyway I was looking down at the urinal and I noticed something odd. It was just an American Standard, white, stainless steel fixtures, a nice clean urinal. However, on top of the urinal I noticed the following code: 3.8Lpf/1.0gpf

Anybody know what it means?

Trip to Ohio

2005-06-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

I made a pilgrimage back to the mother land earlier this month. I was invited to the wedding of one of my college buddies. I got to see my parents. I got to visit and party with some folks I have not seen in years. I had a really good time with my wife. All in all it was a very successful trip.

Ohio is the mother land. I’m not really sure why. I was born in North Jersey and look more like Tony Soprano than John Glenn. I live in Seattle and really like it. But I went to high school and college (3 of ‘em!) in Ohio and I started my career there, so I suppose that’s why it’s home.

Anyway, it was great to spend some time with Mom and Dad. I was very nervous about the wedding as I was a part of the wedding party and I didn’t want to goof anything up. I shared with my parent just how nervous I was. I was sweating bullets. My dad theorized that I told me I would likely trip and knock the bride over in the middle of the ceremony. Thanks a bunch Mom and Dad!

The wedding was excellent. It was a lot of fun to share an adult beverage and catch up a little with some folks that I used to be fairly close to, but haven’t seen in years. It’s funny how awkward the reunion is at first, but how by the end of the evening the years have melted away. You are exchanging addresses and promising to keep in touch. But even knowing we won’t really be any better at keeping in touch, it just feels good.

The best part of the wedding was that my wife actually enjoyed herself. We danced, drank, and chatted. My friends and my wife were able to bond a little and my wife relaxed and had fun. This is what I was truly most nervous about. Thanks Jeff & Dez!

It was a very good trip to my way of thinking. The weather was awful, hot and sticky. The travel was terrible. Crammed into cattle class on an aircraft full of rude smelly people for 5 hours each way is no fun. Even the movies were weak. I burned 3 of the 5 vacation days I have available this year, so now I can’t even get sick. Yet, I’d do the trip again tomorrow….

Problem Solving 101

2005-06-20T20:22:00.000-07:00

I was discussing problem solving with a buddy late last week. I shared with him one of the secrets of my success. This is a powerful secret. It is along the lines of The Database of Wisdom in terms of how universal and potent this tool is. You can apply this tool literally to any issue to with which you are confronted. This tool works equally well with real and perceived issues. This tool works for recreational and professional problems. This tool can help resolve interpersonal as well as technical problems. What is this wonder tool? What is this piece of problem solving genius that you cannot live without? Here's a hint: You haven't seen this one on TV. This is my personal best friend for problem solving. This piece of wisdom and knowledge requires no faith as the proof is in the use. Are you ready?

"Let It Age."

That's it. Let it age. Basically whenever a dilemma is staring you in the face, turn away and say to yourself, "Let It Age."

For example, let’s assume your boss comes to you hands you an assignment and says, “This needs to be done immediately.” The weak minded employee will drop what they are working on, reprioritize, and immediately try to complete the task the boss has given you. This is wrong. If this is really important the boss may do it himself. The boss may assign the exact same task to another (more qualified) employee. The deadline may pass and you will not have had time to be successful anyway.

A good result is that the work is done by another person and you can take the credit. Or even better, circumstances change and the task becomes irrelevant, you look like management material for recognizing a pointless task and not wasting company resources on it. The worst case is that this really is a time critical task and you will be fired. Would you really want your last memory of the work place to be one of panic and frenzy? Of course not!

You’ve got to let it age.

Chaos Reigns!

2005-06-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

I’d like to send a special “WTF, over?!” to the good folks at Delta Airlines.

As I understand the airline industry, they are a service industry. I expect them to do three things and do them well. Those things are:

Get me where I’m going safely.

Get me where I’m going on time.

Treat me with the respect a valued customer deserves. (All customers should be valued, they pay the bills.)

Most airlines do the first 2 at a similar rate. The third item is admittedly subjective. The real differentiator is cost. I tend to fly the airline that gets me where I’m going for the least amount of money. I assume the cheaper flight is due to the airline keeping their costs down.

In the Seattle airport, Delta has installed those fabulous free standing kiosks to speed you along your way. I like the kiosks, you enter your confirmation code and you are off! Along these lines, obviously (logically) the more kiosks you have the better. More people can be served more rapidly and no extra cost (people) is incurred a theoretical win-win.

Delta-Seattle has installed 3 circular tables with around 10 stations each to speed people though. This would have been brilliant, except… …They put the damn kiosks exactly 6 feet in front of the customer service windows. So basically there’s no way to line up in front of the kiosks, there’s no place to line up to check your luggage, and there’s no obvious course of action if you can’t use the kiosk for whatever reason. So you and 30 to 120 people are left standing around without direction because you can’t access the place you need to be and you can’t ask anyone.

They say insanity is repeating the behavior and expecting a different result. Nice going fellas!

Millions of Ideas

2005-06-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

I am continuing with the theme of goals and ideas. I have promised myself that I will write more regularly in my blog. To that end I have all kinds of ideas to blog about all day. But somehow I just can’t seem to get it done.

Case in point, I was speaking with my buddy Jeff the other night and I had a good idea. Jeff thought it was a good idea too. But instead of writing it down right then and there, I went and did other stuff. I was thinking to myself this is such a good idea I won’t forget it. Of course I did forget.

It’s not that I don’t try. In just this past week I have literally composed (mentally) 4 or 5 really good essays. When I am riding the bus, exercising, cooking dinner, any other menial fairly brain dead task, I compose entire essays in my brain, but since I don’t write them down they are lost. The topics are about… Well if I could remember that, I wouldn’t be writing about this particular mental malady. So what can I do? I write about having nothing to write about…

I have millions of ideas, just not when they are useful to me. It’s the literary corollary to coming up with the perfect put-down or come-back line fifteen minutes after the confrontation. I’m like Homer Simpson. When I need the coherent thought my brain is repeating the theme song from The Brady Bunch. While I’m riding the bus, I am able to envision an efficient cost-effective alternative to fossil fuel.

The best part? I still don’t carry pen and paper with me. I assume that since I came up with the idea once, I’m certain I can recall it later.

They say insanity is repeating the behavior and expecting a different result. Hmmm…

Goals and Routines

2005-05-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

My buddy Steve published the beginnning of his life list. That inspired me. Here is my version.

Here are my current personal goals:
1) Lose weight through more disciplined eating habits.
2) Get in better shape to be ready for escape the rock triathlon.
3) Be a better developer.

Here’s my daily routine that I use to achieve each of these goals:

4:30am: Wake up early to run and lift weights.

4:31am: Decide to forego lifting and sleep until 5am.

5:00am: Decide to forego running and sleep until 5:30am.

5:30am: Get up, shower/shave get dressed for work.

6:00am: Try to make early bus, miss it and get breakfast at McDonalds.

6:05am: Look at copy of work materials I brought home to read last night and decide to read the newspaper instead. (What are those crazy ho’s in 3-B up to today?)

7:10am: Commence work day.

7:15am: 1st cup of coffee. Promise myself that I will limit coffee intake and increase my water consumption.

8:30am: 2nd cup of coffee.

10:35am: 3rd cup of coffee and snack. I promise to eat a lighter lunch because I won’t be so hungry.

11:45am: Lunch. Bakemans again. I get the special. I promise myself I won’t eat the whole thing.

12:15am: Ohhh, I ate too much. Damn Bakemans! How can they charge so little for so much good food?

1:30pm: 4th cup of coffee. I need to drink water at my next beverage break.

3:30pm: Final cup of work day coffee.

4:30pm: Time to head home. Print out material to read on the bus on the way home. I shoulda drank more water. I’ll do better tomorrow.

4:45pm: On bus, reading the rest of the newspaper.

6:00pm: Get home. Time for a reasonable dinner.

7:00pm: Ohhh, I ate too much. I gotta do better tomorrow. I’ll start by exercising later tonite and getting up early tomorrow.

7:30pm: I need to read the material from work. Hmmm, what’s on TV? Any sports?

8:00pm: Okay, nothing’s on, I’ll go on-line for awhile, maybe I’ll write in my blog…

9:00pm: I’ll go run on the treadmill in 15 minutes.

9:15pm, I’ll get on the treadmill at 9:30.

9:30pm: Damn it’s late, I gotta get to bed if I’m gonna work out tomorrow morning. What’s on the history channel?

10:30pm: Nuts! I didn’t read the stuff from work. I’ll read it tomorrow on the bus. Go to sleep.

They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result. Hmmm…

Being a regular

2005-05-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

I have a good friend who always has a new story or new theory to share. By new, I mean new to me, a story I have never heard before. I have known Richard for almost 10 years now and his ability to tell a new tale never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes he shares pieces of his personal Seattle history, sometimes he tells me about different places in and around Seattle, or different local characters that he knows. He has lived here for all his life and his stories are always very personal and they make me feel as though I have been let in on some kind of intimate secret. The kind of tales good friends share because only a friend can be trusted to enjoy the hearing of the tale as much as I suspect Richard enjoys telling it.

Anyway this long preamble is because I had lunch with Richard last week and he shared with me another of his life lessons. This one he calls the secret of being a regular.

To be a regular in an establishment (restaurant, bar, coffee house, bus stop, whatever) you need to go in at the same time and do the same thing about 10 days in a row. For example, go to the same bar after work sit at the bar, drink 1 light beer, and leave. Do this for 2 weeks and you are a regular. You can now go in once a week and the people will remember you. You can even wait 6 months or a year, and when you next walk in, the bartender will have your drink poured before you sit down.

Now because Richard is so able to come up with stories, I don’t often believe everything he says without some proof. So I was compelled to do my own experiment.

I have been riding the bus to work on my new job. As such, every morning at about 6:15am, I stop at the same coffee stand and get the same beverage (tall decaf drip). I did this just about everyday for the 1st 2 weeks of March. Then I stopped. I started going to work different ways. I started catching the bus at different places, riding my motorcycle, and on occasion driving to the office. Just yesterday I stopped at the old coffee stand on my way to the bus, and the lady behind that counter had my drink ready before I stepped up to the counter. I am a regular!

Thanks to my friend Steve, I know that a positive experience is not proof. I need a negative example. There is a coffee shop in the basement of the building I work in. I get always buy at least one cup of coffee from the folks downstairs every day. However, I am inconsistent in my habit. Sometimes I buy my coffee before going up to my office. Sometimes I wait until after I get settled in the morning or after the morning status meeting. Sometimes I get a cup around 2pm. The other inconsistent thing I have done is that I do not order the same beverage every time. Sometimes I get a latte. Sometimes I get a grande drip. Sometimes I order a tall decaf. When I walk up to the counter I get a friendly hello, but the people behind the counter don’t know what I want, and if I skip a day, they don’t even seem to recognize me.

I’m certain there is a lesson in human psychology somewhere in this silly tale, but Richard didn't share that.

Epiphany

2005-05-09T12:44:00.000-07:00

From dictionary.com:

A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: “I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself” (Frank Maier).

I experienced an epiphany as to why the liberal’s hate George Bush’s proposed solutions to social security.

I do think we need to address the social security issue now. We are already late. All credible the research says that by 2018, we go underwater to spend a reserve of money we don’t have. A shortfall so close in terms of government spending is an immediate crisis. So be it.

There are only 2 ways to address this kind of issue; you’ve got to reduce spending (cut benefits) or increase income (raise taxes). It’s a tough place to be. The only variance I see is in when you take action. In other words, the longer we wait, the more drastic the cuts or the taxes will be. That’s the situation we’re in, I accept that. So be it.

So George Bush has proposed a plan. Actually this is the second plan Bush has proposed. The first plan was deemed unacceptable. So be it.

I don’t like Bush’s latest plan. I think it is pandering once again. On top of that, I do not any idea that basically punishes individuals for success. In this case, if you are smart enough and able to save enough money, social security is not going to help you. So be it.

Here’s the thing, the left still hates this plan. Why? Because it still has a provision for people to ‘opt out’ of traditional social security investment. Why does the left hate this so much? It is optional. There is no compulsion to manage your own money. I think of it as a federal self-directed 401k. And if you really aren’t geared that way, the safe investment (let the fed manage it) is still there. But the left still hates the plan. So be it.

My epiphany was that I finally realized that the reason the left hates this plan is because smarter people will be able to have more money. I do not believe this to be coincidence. It must drive the left crazy to think that someone, because of their god given ability, be able to excel. Liberals need you to be reliant on federal spending. The left does not think that you can be responsible to feed yourself. So be it.

Wha-evuh!

2005-05-02T12:12:00.000-07:00

I was at home Saturday night, preparing to watch the boxing match on HBO with my wife, when suddenly the relative calm of my evening was rudely interrupted by the ringing telephone. Of course, it was a telemarketer trying to sell me something. But I have a new game I like to play.

I call it the “Whatever” game. The rules are simple, no matter what, whenever there is a question directed at you, you say “whatever.” The more ignorant you can make yourself sound the better. I like to say, “wha-evuh.” It’s actually harder than it sounds. The telemarketer will say things to make you want to respond. They will threaten to sign you up or pass you on to another person, but unless you say “yes,” they can’t do it.

On Saturday, I had a great one. This person was trying to confirm that it was me on the phone. Eg:
Telemarketer: Mr. Larry Signorile? (Mis-pronounced of course!)
Me: wha-evuh.
Telemarketer: I’m calling from [some credit card company]. I’m trying to reach Larry?
Me: wha-evuh.

On and on this went. The telemarketer spelled the name for me at one point. Then the telemarketer even tried about a 30 – 45 second silence. But I held firm. After the pause we engaged in a final: Larry? Wha-evuh. Then the telemarketer hung up.

It was fantastic. I'm thinking of reducing my entire spoken lexicon to consist of only this one phrase. It's all about making things easy for me.