Wha-evuh!

I was at home Saturday night, preparing to watch the boxing match on HBO with my wife, when suddenly the relative calm of my evening was rudely interrupted by the ringing telephone. Of course, it was a telemarketer trying to sell me something. But I have a new game I like to play.

I call it the “Whatever” game. The rules are simple, no matter what, whenever there is a question directed at you, you say “whatever.” The more ignorant you can make yourself sound the better. I like to say, “wha-evuh.” It’s actually harder than it sounds. The telemarketer will say things to make you want to respond. They will threaten to sign you up or pass you on to another person, but unless you say “yes,” they can’t do it.

On Saturday, I had a great one. This person was trying to confirm that it was me on the phone. Eg:
Telemarketer: Mr. Larry Signorile? (Mis-pronounced of course!)
Me: wha-evuh.
Telemarketer: I’m calling from [some credit card company]. I’m trying to reach Larry?
Me: wha-evuh.

On and on this went. The telemarketer spelled the name for me at one point. Then the telemarketer even tried about a 30 – 45 second silence. But I held firm. After the pause we engaged in a final: Larry? Wha-evuh. Then the telemarketer hung up.

It was fantastic. I'm thinking of reducing my entire spoken lexicon to consist of only this one phrase. It's all about making things easy for me.