Friday, February 24, 2006

Winter Haiku in Seattle

What is the plural for Haiku? Haikooze? Haikii?

Anyway, here goes.

snow falls once per year
traffic snarls as a response
I like to stay home

rain falls all the time
traffic snarls as a response
why can’t people drive

dick cheney shoots friend
liberal locals lose minds
larry says go dick

sonics are no good
mariners do not improve
olympics? who cares

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Vice President shoots hunting partner

I don't see what all the fuss is about. So Dick Cheney gets special treatment. Big Deal. For goodness sake, if wealth and fame don't get you money and power, what the hell are we working for?

I think that the more fame/wealth/power you have, the bigger the assault you are allowed to commit. I assume you're allowed to use buckshot if you're the president. OJ was only allowed to use a knife. Right now, I'd have a tough time getting off if I attacked someone with a wiffleball bat. I just want to reach the level where I can whap random standers-by with a mackerel. It doesn't even need to be frozen. Maybe bashing someone with creamed spinach would be alright too. Maybe not.

I don't think there are restriction on who you whap. I think you can hit strangers or family. Warren Moon was allowed to punch out his wife. Mike Tyson bit Evander Holifield. Matthew Broderick ran over a complete stranger. So there appears to be no relationship rule.

I think it's straight fame/money/power related to weapon. The levels appear to be: fist, basic blunt weapon (stick/fish/auto), edged weapon (knife/teeth), projectile (arrows/guns).

So leave Dick Cheney be. He's only exercising his rights.

This is ridiculous

I could almost understand the Islamic anger about the cartoons. I don't understand the physical violence or the physical rage, but I do understand being upset. I could understand the gay community being upset about the preponderance of Brokeback Mountain jokes (although from what I read, the community wasn't that upset). But this is ridiculous.

Read this article about a woman being upset about what a television sitcom used as joke fodder.

I didn't even know that being epileptic was a society one could get membership in. It's doesn't seem like it should be. It's a disorder of the nervous system. A doctor told me that the clinical definition of Epilepsy is "one who has seizures." I do not condone laughing at someone having a seizure. In fact, I always call 9-1-1 when I witness a seizure as any seizure can be life threatening. I understand if someone is embarrassed by having a seizure. Although it can't be helped, I wouldn't want a bunch of strangers (or even friends and family) to see me lose complete control of my body. And I would not wish anyone to be a recipient of this disorder.

But now, some theoretically otherwise normal people, are upset because Charlie Sheen's character on a sitcom said that having epilepsy made him "damaged goods". So these people are upset that a fictional being, in a fictional world, thinks that having epilepsy makes you "damaged goods". Is your psyche so fragile that you can't handle a joke?

I have a little advice for you Joy Bardwell of Daytona Beach, Fla. Are you ready? Grow up. Turn off the TV and consider giving your child up for adoption, because I suspect you aren't doing your daughter any good if she is receiving her self-esteem from a CBS sitcom. I would give her to a Monastery or Catholic run orphanage before it is too late. The damage you are doing to her right now is irreparable.

I suppose I should just be happy that people aren't rioting.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Cartoonish Violence

"Freedom of Expression is Western Terrorism!" These words were written on a sheet held by a Muslim protester.

Way to go 'religion of peace!' Over a cartoon, published in a Danish newspaper, radical Islam has lost its mind again. They threatened violence. They burned embassies and they are being asked publicly by Hamas (a legitimized terrorist organization) to tone it down. I read that Muslim papers were having a competition to see who can come up with the most offensive anti-western cartoon.

Will they attack our president? How are they going to top American cartoonists? Trudeau draws and empty roman Caesar helmet to represent the president. Political cartoonists routinely draw the president as a monkey. So they can't really insult our political leaders to get a rise out of us.

Maybe they could attack Christianity. That's a western religion! Nope, our own federal government paid an "artist" to put a cross in a glass of urine. What else could the Muslims do? I suppose they could have a cartoon of Jesus humping Mary Magdalene. Too late, Dan Brown already did that. (BTW entertaining read). It's also been (being?) made into a major motion picture.

The only Americans that seem to get upset about name calling are the Scientologists. Maybe the Muslims could draw a picture of Tom Cruise receiving an Oscar. That would be sacrilegious.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Verbal Oppression in America

I need to talk about some thing that has been bothering me lately. I was accosted in a restaurant by a total stranger.

I was having drinks in a restaurant with some coworkers a few weeks ago. We were chatting and joking and laughing about a variety of subjects. No one was drunk and we were not really loud and we were not using offensive language (no one was swearing).

However, I was compelled to do my bit about how I only wear clothing made in sweat shops. I joke about how ‘only oppressed people can get the stitching right.’ I went a little further than usual and said that I would love to have my own sweat shop in my basement and have my entire wardrobe sewn for me every day.

It was silly and funny and I thought it was so ridiculous that no one could take me seriously. I was wrong.

I got up from our table and headed to the restroom. As I passed the host station someone, who had apparently been waiting for me, approached me. This gentleman said to me, “Excuse me, I overheard you talking about sweatshops…”

I not being interested in conversation or conflict because I had to pee, verbally cut him off and said, “I’m sorry if you were offended.” I love that non-apology. Anyway the guy then says, “You should watch what you say.” I walked away toward the restroom, he left the restaurant.

I was washing my hands after urinating before I realized what he had said. In classic fashion, I had the perfect comeback while washing my hands. I should have said, “Or what?” But of course all I was thinking was, “can I walk away now? I need to pee.” So I said nothing.

What was this clown thinking? How did this guy know it was safe to accost me? What wimp vibe do I put out that this numbnut felt that he could confront me? And why was he so upset? And further why was my conversation so damn interesting to him? I could understand if he thought I was not funny. But this guy took me seriously enough to threaten me, but not seriously enough to be threatened by me.

Postscript: I have continued to tell my sweatshop jokes in public. My friends and I are bored with the joke, but now I’m obligated. I hate that guy.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Zombies!

I recently read a book on how to survive the Zombie onslaught. It's called The Zombie Survival Guide written by Max Brooks. I didn't realize how unprepared I was. I have started to prepare though. Better late than never I say. I have been concerned with the zombie threat for some time now. I try to keep up with all the latest news outlets; I see every zombie movie that comes out. I even watched 'Shaun of the Dead' to keep my self from getting too depressed.

Now I'm sure a lot of people reading this think that I am silly to fear Zombies. That somehow I don't really believe zombies exist and that I am just saying this because I find humor in it. Well, that's just not true. In fact the opposite is true. We should all really fear the zombie threat in each and every one of us! I read today on yahoo news that we are growing undead cells and further that these undead (or zombie) cells are potentially dangerous to us all.

Well, duh! This means that all the preparation I have done, boarding up the windows, hoarding food and water, building a zombie proof entryway is for naught. All the taunting I have endured, all the crazy things my wife has said ("Don't board up the windows! Don't hoard cheese!") has been wasted effort on my part. I can be safely sealed in my zombie proof chamber only to discover that I have brought my own zombies in with me!